Uncategorized

Rise above the Ashes

So for the last 3 years I’ve been living in a state of……. Yep, you guessed it. ANXIETY… Seems like that’s all I talk about these days. I guess that would be because that’s all I can think about. Why am I so anxious? Why am I so scared all the time? I used to feel so peaceful. I felt secure and love. I thought about the future and felt ready for it. I laughed without fear because I knew where I was and whose I was. I lived and breathed peace! So what happened? What brought me to this state of anxiety that controls my every move.

CONFUSION

About three years ago my husband and I bought a beautiful home to begin our lives in. We were newly married and full of life and love. We were thrilled and excited to see what life was going to bring us. We moved in and quickly began planning how we would decorate it, fix it up and change things around. But soon after we moved in our worlds came crashing down all around us. Little did I know at the time there was a demon hanging out in the house. I guess it was there from the people before. I don’t know why it was there nor do I care. My husband got saved in that house and so did my second oldest son. I remember the day he was dipped in the water. He rose up and came running down the stairs to me. He said “Oh mommy, it just makes your heart feel so good.” Out of the mouths of babes. Right! Well, little did everyone know I was being tormented day and night. I would wake up in sweats and speaking verses out loud. “Fear Not, for I am with you.” There were many, many nights I would sit up in my garage rocking back and forth saying “I rebuke you Satan in the name of Jesus.” Over and over. I think back now and I must have looked like a crazy person to an outsider. Hindsight is always 20/20 right!

I can’t really post everything about that time in my life on this post. That will have to be a separate one. But, I did want to share a few things with you over this season in my life. As I look back and begin to think it kind of breaks my heart. I’ve studied the bible my whole life. I’ve loved God since I was 15 years old and got saved. Not that I’ve lived the perfect life, because trust me I haven’t. But I tried to put Him first in my heart. But this trial about broke me. It almost left me crushed in the middle of the ring beaten down and broken beyond repair. That’s what I thought anyway.

Everyday was a fight. It felt like a fight to even be alive and breath. My mind was going crazy with thoughts I had never even thought of before. I was being brought down and I couldn’t figure out how to get back up. I was losing everything. My husband. My kids. My home. My life. Slowly everything started disappearing before my eyes. I needed to wake up and I just didn’t know how.

sunset-hands-love-woman.jpg

My Husband:

He is my champion! My hero! He is my security and my peace of mind! He is the love of my life and the other half of my heart! He has stuck with me through these trying times in my life. He has been my rock when I felt like I was slipping away. Yesterday I cleaned the house and did laundry all day. I don’t know how I got on this thought but it popped up and I welcomed it. I was mad about everything I had been going through. I just wanted the life I had pictured for myself. A beautiful home, a God-loving and fearing family who put God first above everything else. I wanted dinners at the table and movie nights with the kids. I wanted prayer circles and family meetings where things worked out. I wanted family road trips and corny home movies. I wanted love to lead us all together in this life. I wanted grace and mercy but discipline. I wanted Jesus front and center and for everything to just fall into place. But I allowed anxiety to threaten my life with Jesus. My love for my husband and my children. And what I pictured for us was slipping away. I was angry. I was angry at myself and angry at God. But through all this I  never once thought about how much he had endured through this with me. How much he stuck by me when he could have run for the hills because he didn’t have a clue what was happening to his wife. Where was the woman he had married? She was fun and loving. She enjoyed him and wanted to be with him all the time. Anxiety was separating us.

Mark 10:9

What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder.

Anxiety was separating me from everything God was trying to give me. Until today. Today I woke up and realized, I have every gift God gave me. I have my health, my husband and my children. We have a beautiful home and food on our table. Our bills may be late, but they are paid. I have peace, love and joy and I have it in abundance because Jesus Christ is my Lord and my Savior. He is the perfect atonement for my sin. My life isn’t perfect, but I’m finding that the closer I come to Jesus and the truth, the more peace of mind I have to be who He created me to be. Hopelessly devoted to Him, to my husband and to my children.

My purpose to my husband:

We took vows on November 9th, 2013. I vowed to Love, Honor and Obey him.

If I look at him through the eyes of my flesh I will never see him the way God see’s him.. Which means I will never love him the way he needs to be loved. I was taught that men don’t have a conscience. Look out for yourself. Men can never love you and take care of you the way your suppose to be taken care of. Their only out for one thing. My mom, bless her heart had been through some very hard times with men, so she unknowingly pushed those beliefs onto me. As a mother and wife now and have gone through some very trying times myself, my husband is teaching me what a real man is. And that’s why I love him. I pray to see him through the eye’s of Jesus. A heart that’s good, though he’s not perfect. A man who stands by his word! I purpose to be what he needs me to be as much as I can be without letting my own personal experiences or fears get in the way of my love for him. Jesus created me with Shannon in mind. He created me with certain qualities and characteristics that fit perfectly with Shannon’s. When he is down, I purpose to lift him up with words of comfort. I protect him prayer through faith in God. I love him with understanding that we won’t always have the perfect situations but that God will lead us through it into His perfect will. Shannon and I were created for each other by the hands of God and His love in our minds and in our hearts!

My purpose to my children:

June 19,2001; January 19,2004; December 15,2015; February 23,2017 and My Stepson October 22,1991

These are the dates of the births of each one of my children. These are the greatest blessings to me from my father above. He listened to my heart and gave me my desire. A family to cherish and to love. We are a family of 7 and if you count the dog 8! My purpose to my children is show them how to navigate through this life as children of God’s first and foremost! Teach them to trust in God and lean on Him to lead them through whatever it is their going through. To entrust to God the desires of their hearts and watch God open the gates of Heaven and pour them out a blessing. I put school and work on the back burner. If God is first then all of those things will fall in place. But I’m afraid I have fallen short in this area. I taught them the way I was taught. That you can love God and still live the way you want. But that’s simply not true. You can’t have two masters. You will either love the one and hate the other. But you can’t serve both God and man. So these are things I need to work on myself and purpose to be better at.

My purpose as a Child of God’s:

I thought there wasn’t mush else I really needed to learn. I loved God and knew I was going to heaven. What else is there right. But, I’m finding there’s a whole lot more to it than that. Throughout this whole ordeal I have forgotten my purpose, to Love God with all my heart, all mind and all my soul. I have been so consumed with all these distractions that has caused me to live in fear and anxiety, I have forgotten how to love God the way he asks and desires to be loved. I could say commands but I’m putting this way so you can understand that we don’t serve a dictator. God wants us to love Him with every thing we have in us. With every fiber of our being we should be wrapped up in Him. When were angry that shouldn’t take our love from Him. When were hurt that shouldn’t take our love from Him. When we are full of confusion that shouldn’t take our love from Him. My purpose is to run this race in front of me with integrity! With God being the beginning and the ending for me.

Distractions will come! They come in forms of trials or tribulations. They come as deaths we don’t understand. They come as fears we feel we can’t conquer. They come as diseases that torment us. They come as confusion wrapped up in our own understanding. Distractions have a purpose and their sole purpose is to keep you from being who God created you to be. Perfectly in love with Him. If you want fear gone, perfect love casts out all fear. If you want worries to take a back seat, fill yourself with love and faith in God and it will be as if they never existed. If your tired, pull up a chair next to Jesus and rest on His shoulder! Drink in the peace He said was yours. You don’t have to ask for it, pray for it, beg for it, cry for it. He said “My peace I give unto you.” It’s a gift to you. Because you are His child peace is yours to have. So, kick the devil out! Kick him out of your mind, kick him out of your home. Kick him out of every thing he’s trying to take over and commit those things to God. Then sit back and watch God work in your life-like never before.

Loving Jesus

Loving Jesus is much like falling in love with your significant other! When you first meet your falling all over the place for them. Walking around with a smile on your face because your thinking about something they did that made you laugh. Or something she did that was cute. Or that he did that was goofy. Your thinking about how your lives will intertwine together and how things will work out. You can’t find any bad in the situation. You find flaws but you don’t mind them. There so small you barely even acknowledge them. You give no place to them at all. You are completely attracted to this person. Physically, mentally and emotionally! You wake up and you can’t wait to see them. They are your first thought! “What are they doing? Are they thinking about me? I wonder what he’s like getting dressed in the morning? Does he get coffee first? Is he a brat when he wakes up? Does he like to cuddle?” I mean the thoughts are endless. You can’t wait to get to know every thing about them. Your excited about this new relationship! You are filled with wonder and joy and nothing can take you from that. I mean the world can come crashing down but your still running around with this crazy smile on your face!

Loving Jesus is just like falling in love with your husband. It’s excited to greet him in the morning. It’s having pillow talk with him at night before you close your eyes to fall asleep in His arms! It’s knowing that no matter what Jesus is going to sustain you and take care of you whatever comes your way! It’s holding on to the love that He has for you and that gets you through the day. It’s excited to feel His presence when you call on Him. It’s expectantly waiting for His will to come to pass over your life. Loving Jesus was never meant to be hard. It was never meant to be a chore. Loving Jesus has always been about having a relationship with Him. It’s all about the way He loves you that makes you want to love Him in return.

If your lost in your circumstances and your thoughts about what happened to you are consuming you, your focused on the wrong thing. Go back. God back to the love of Jesus. Go back and remember HOW He loves you and all you will want to do is reciprocate that love to Him. If your lost in the “WHY’S” of what happened, that’s a trick from the devil meant to distract you from your purpose on this earth. To have an amazing relationship with your creator! Those “WHY’S” are just distractions and they are meant to pull you down, down, down until you feel like there’s nothing left.

When are we as Christians going to say “Enough. Your done” and stop allowing the devil to take away our gifts from our father. Our Love, Our Sound Mind and our Self Control! It’s time to stand up, rise above the ashes and allow the beauty God created in you to shine!

God Bless Y’all!

 

 

Uncategorized

The Confidence Thief

This piece is probably one of the most important pieces I have ever written for both private purposes and public. It’s very dear to my heart and it is the awakening I’ve needed for three very long years. I hope as you read, you will find something in here that helps you get through your mess and know that Jesus is always on your side.

November 9, 2013! A date I won’t soon forget! It’s the day Shannon and I said “I Do.” Just myself, him and our Pastor in a little room. We looked at each other and vowed to love each other no matter what storms come our way. Through all the good times we were sure to have and all the storms we never thought would come. We vowed to love through things we had never been through. Through things that had never crossed our paths. How could we have vowed to love one another through these trials when we had no clue what was coming?

The Answer is simple, you have to first know what love is before you can ever commit to it. Love isn’t just butterflies in the pit of your stomach. It’s not all roses and sunshine. Love isn’t waking in the morning and dancing across the room with each other as you get ready to take on the day.

Love is Messy.

Pure and simple. When you get right down to it, love is hard. It’s not easy to choose to love someone when you don’t even like them very much at that moment.

Over the last three years my husband and I have endured things no newly weds should ever have to endure. We’ve fought legal proceedings, oppression, depression, foreclosures, repo’s, late bills, no money for the bills. Job loss after job loss. We’ve had to sell stuff off just to keep the lights on and we’ve had to borrow money from family to make ends meet. But even then the ends didn’t meet. We were spiraling. Our lives felt completely out of control. We tried to turn every where to get some kind of mental grasp on all these things that were happening. But the more we tried to understand the worse it got. Because nothing made sense.

We held onto each other for dear life as we faced this road together. We’ve weathered the hardest storm I think either of us will ever see again. But there were many moments in the last three years that we both felt very hopeless. As if the very life had been sucked right out of us. We had no desire to do anything because we felt like we had nothing. Our Confidence had been taken. Our confidence in our ability to help each other, to love each other the right way. Many nights I would lay in bed and cry to my husband telling him I wished things were different and I just didn’t understand. I was heartbroken and I was losing my confidence in Jesus. Slowly life just didn’t make sense anymore. The very foundation I had built my life on was slipping away and I felt helpless to stop it.

It was like a downward spiral I couldn’t find my way back from. I would call and have my uncles and cousins pray with me. I would lay awake at night going over and over in my head all the bad thoughts that had crossed over my mind. I would lay awake at night trying to figure out how to fix myself and how to not be so afraid. Years went by. Stress took its toll on me. I began to lose weight rapidly. At one point in time you could count my ribs. I lost so much hair. Everywhere you looked gobs of my hair would be there. My bones were beginning to ache and I had tension headaches and this is coming from someone whose had one headache her whole life.

I was so busy looking at all the bad things going on around me and trying to fix myself that I actually forgot how to just be in love with Jesus. I forgot how to trust Him and just lean on Him. I forgot how to just be with Him.

What you give way to, you give life to.

It was a few weeks ago when I got a revelation. CONFIDENCE. I had lost all confidence in God which in turn caused me to lose confidence in everything. The very foundation beneath my feet had crumbled and I had fallen. So, I researched the word Confidence trying to figure out what God was telling me. The more and more I researched this word the more and more God was showing me that I needed to just relax again. Come home. Talk to Him. Not just in fear and anxiety, but in peace and love.

Listen, we have a real enemy and he’s out to destroy you. Slowly he creeps up on you throwing this and that your way. He uses fear to encapsulate you and then he begins by sowing a seed of doubt in your mind. He fuels your anger with thoughts of lies. You don’t realize it, but by now, your leaning on your own understanding. Your asking God questions and demanding answers. You’ve put God on trial in your life and the devil is sitting back laughing about it. Because not only are you being destroyed a little bit at a time. He’s watching as you unravel your relationship with Jesus.

Life will always throw things your way. Big or small. You have to just come to that realization. Sometimes things will come as a way to push you forward. Sometimes will come because of our own choices. Sometimes we are tested and tried. But one thing you always need to remember, EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Nothing gets passed, through or around God without His knowledge or permission. So instead of letting fear or worry grip you, lean into your problem and ask God what He wants you to learn from it. Dig in and read your bible and let the Holy Spirit show you.

And above all else, put your hope in God alone because you can’t make it through this life on your own strength or by your own will. You need security. You need protection. You need a driving force. God is everything you want Him to be and more. You just have to want Him to show you. It’s time to stand up and make the choice. I’m going to start serving God and not myself. I’m going to make the hard decisions to do the right thing even when I don’t want to do the right thing. I’m going to let the Holy Spirit help me and when He tires I will listen to Him and not grieve Him. Life was never meant to be hard. Yes we are told trials would come our way. But we were also told if we kept our hope in Him he would be faithful to keep us in perfect peace!

So yes, Love is messy. But God loves all of our messes and He wants to come in and clean up that mess of a heart and mind you’ve got going on. Give Him your problems today and watch Him heal all the broken places of your life.

Have a blessed day! Love you all!

Uncategorized

The Big Bully

nature-animal-playing-wilderness.jpg

Have you seen or known someone who walks into a room and does everything they can to make you as small as they possibly could so they could be exalted? I know people like that. They belittle you, walk on you, push you around, tear you down and try their best to rip you apart. Believe it or not, that’s not their main goal and it’s not them whose trying to tear you down. Would you believe me if I told you we have a real enemy out there. Someone whose ultimate goal is to see you fail in every way possible and he controls you by controlling your emotions. Those little thoughts you hear “Oh no that’s not gonna fly. Their not going to talk to me like that. I ain’t no punk. Your better than that.” You know the thoughts I’m talking about. Those thoughts taunt everyone.

People have this misconception that Christians are the exception to being attacked by the devil. I know I sure did. But over the course of three years, I’ve been attacked in every direction. I blamed God. I thought He wasn’t living up to His word to me. But that was wrong. It wasn’t until recently that I began to realize what was really happening.

When I was a little girl God prophisieded to me that I would lead my family to Christ. I was called to teach His word. I always felt the call. I knew the Lord was calling me for a special purpose. But, I never felt worthy enough to embrace that call. I loved the Lord. I was passionate about Him, though I’ve made my fair share of mistakes in this life. But because there was a call on my life the devil came running to tear me apart.

I’ll list a few examples:

When my mom was in labor with me, the elevator got stuck. My mother bless her heart, has babies in no time. The nurse was freaking out, my mom was freaking out. Thank God my grandma was there who was a pro by that time having babies. She had 12 babies all natural! So my grandma calms everyone down, get’s my mom’s breathing under control and finally the elevator get’s moving. I came very shortly after they got off the elevator.

When I was 11 I had a planter wart on my foot that had to be surgically removed. So my mom took me into the doctor and he said “No big deal, day surgery.” So back I go, all by myself. The doctor is sitting at the end of my bed. The anistecialogist say count backwards from 10. I began to count and while I was doing so I was looking at the doctor at the end of my table. He had the knives in his hand to begin cutting once I was asleep. But he was taking those knives and scraping them back and forth with this evil smile on his face while he was laughing. Now, to some that may be no big deal. But for an eleven year old. I can only begin to tell the repercustions that have followed because of that. The fears I’m still trying to conquer. That’s called bondage.

Soon after that surgery I was at my friends house and we were riding our bikes to our other friends house. At this time we lived in League City and we were crossing a very busy street. 518 in front of what used to be Bases.(The best hamburgers ever). We jumped off our bikes and began crossing the road. For some reason we didn’t cross together. She went one way I went another. Well, in the middle of the road in the turning lane a car hit me. I’ve never met the woman until this day. She hit me, backed up and then drove around me. She was going to leave me there and act like it didn’t happen. Thank God He put people there to help me. And thank God, all that happened was a broken leg. But that was just the beginning of my problems.

After that, things seem to calm down. In a way! The devil then started his schemes in other way. I would be in the middle of something and here would come a thought, it would go a little something like this.

“They don’t really like you.”

“You know there making fun of you behind your back.”

“No one listens to you. Your stupid and they are smarter than you, so why are you even trying, just give up.”

In those moments I would become melancholic. I would then start to think “Wow, maybe I should just give up. Just do what everyone else is doing. No one listens to me anyway. I’m not smart enough. I’m the youngest in my family. I don’t make good grades. I don’t play sports. I’m not involved in anything.”

I began to give up. But God would still lift me up somehow and I would still try. Though I made many mistakes.

On to the next….

While I was in labor with my 13 year old, my blood pressure dropped. I ended up dyeing on the table. This is probably one of the hardest things to describe. So please bare with me as I try to describe the single most amazing moment of my entire life. So, as I was saying, my blood pressure dropped and I opened my eyes. It was completely black. In the background, like behind a veil I could see the nurses and doctors. I could see my dad. But I wasn’t apart of that world. I was in the spirit world. All of sudden fear began to well up in me. I could feel two demons getting close to me. Coming up on my left side. I never looked that way. But I was scared because they were getting closer. Now, I was still in my hospital bed. I felt this tormenting feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was as if my stomach was being moved and shifted and being turned inside out. At that moment a bright light came bursting through. I squeezed my eyes shut. The light was so bright, it was light looking at the sun except with no pain. I look to my right and begin to unsquench my eyes and see Jesus. Well, there is a very distinct difference between fear of the Lord and fear of torment from the devil. Jesus stands there, with a door behind Him. There was one angel on His right with his back towards Him and the same with the angel on the left. There were people walking around in the back inside the door. Jesus never speaks to them. He just stands there. The two demons begin bowing down and backing up. Turning and running. But I remember the look on Jesus’ face. He just looked at them, “Like really. You actually are trying to mess with her.” I love it ya’ll. So while Jesus is giving them this big disapproval look my body quickly goes from fear to trembling. It’s a different kind of fear. Its the kind where you know the king of kings is standing in your presence. At that moment Jesus turns His attention to me! I couldn’t look at Him because I knew I was in the presence of holiness! Jesus puts up His right hand and says “Daughter, Be Still”. At that moment every fear in me left. Every pain. Every trepidation. The only thing left in me was a desire to be with Him. I tried as hard as I could to crawl out of that bed. As I was trying to lift myself from the bed, I was looking at Jesus saying “Jesus is that you. Jesus. Did you come to bring me home. Jesus please take me home. Please don’t leave me here!” All the while I’m trying as hard as I can to get up. But I couldn’t move my middle part of my body. Jesus wouldn’t allow it I’m guessing! As I was pleading with Him to go ahead and take me home, He was walking towards me. The closer He got the more love I felt! But it took Him getting close to me to feel that love! I look up and He’s standing right over top of me! He smiles and says “lay back”. I do as I’m told because, well, I’m in the presence of Jesus and He commands. But it’s not in a dictator way. It’s in the most loving way! In a way that you WANT to obey Him! He leans over me and I’m just looking at Him! He so beautiful! I felt so full in His presence! I didn’t need or want anything else! I just wanted Him! As He’s leaned down on top of me He says “It’s time” He puts one hand on my forehead and covering my eyes, kind-of. The other hand on my heart. He puts His mouth on my nose and breathes into me. Life giving breath. I raise from the bed back to being here. With a gasp of air and trying to get my senses about me, I say “It’s time”. There came my baby boy. All 6lbs 10oz of him. I’ll never forget that experience. I hold onto that moment as hard and as tight as I can because it can so easily be lost in this mess of my mind if I allow it to.

There’s another time I could tell you about. A time that was scary and turned my world inside out and upside down. Because I allowed it. God was there for me. He protected me. Loved me through as much as I allowed Him to. He sheltered me. He tried to talk to me. But I became so overwhelmed with fear that I couldn’t hear Him. I let all these lies take me over and almost crush me. Everyday I wake up and fight back. Some days are much better than others. Some days I wake up and I’ve got the devil on the run and some days I wake up and it feels like everything is going to collapse in on me. But breath by breath I’m still fighting. Fighting to surrender all these thoughts that were never mine to hold onto. Fighting to surrender my heart over to Jesus because I know He’s the only one who can take care of it. Everyday I’m fighting to remember that He is the first one and the only one in my life that can complete me and everything else is just a bonus.

I know it can get discouraging fighting fears and anxiety. Trust me. I know that walk all to well. We pray and seek God and His hand. We get angry when we feel like He doesn’t answer our prayers. But what if God is waiting on you to sacrafice those fears to Him. Offer them up and in place put on a shield of Faith that He will see you through them.

See the bully I’m talking about doesn’t have any remorse. He doesn’t care how much your suffering. He doesn’t care how many tears have fallen down your face. He doesn’t care that your tired. He’s completely content keeping you in confusion and leaving you exhausted to even praise because you’ve forgotten what your praising for. He’s out to destroy everything that you are. He wants to kill every dream every desire that God has placed in your heart. Because your faith in that dream or that desire is activation for God to move on your life and bring more people to the Kingdom of Heaven.

Your carrying a load God never intended or wanted you to carry. It breaks His heart to see you in such discontent. He cries out for you to just trust Him and allow Him to make things better. But as long as your walking in fear, your not walking in faith. The only way to please God is by faith. So today, even if it’s just a mustard seed. Trust God for something, about something. Give Him the chance to show you who He is what He’s about. He’s about healing you from the inside out. He’s about bringing you into Him and holding you close. He’s about sheltering you and loving you through the maddness of this world. He’s about taking care of you. Because my dear, you are His to love!

Start unraveling that fear through faith. Fix the heart of your eyes on Jesus. Search Him out. Get to know Him. Ask Him to help you get through this and then have the faith that He will. Start talking to Jesus about other things.

The devil loves it when you dwell on things that haven’t happened. He knows it’s tearing you apart and taking you further and further away from God.

But God is calling you back! He’s ready with open arms and He’s smiling at you. You are loved, cherished, adored, kept, protected, wanted, beautiful. You are His child and His love. His heart is for you. So take the time to get to know Gods heart and you’ll know when the devil is trying to push you around and knock you down. Then you will know how to stand against Him and have God on your side. Then the devil wont be able to do anything to you.

 

For God so LOVED the world that HE GAVE His only begotten son, so that whosoever believes in Him shall NOT PERISH but have EVERLASTING LIFE.

I want ya’ll to know something about this verse above. This verse applies to our lives now. Not just when we die and go to our final resting place. When it says “NOT PERISH” that means your mind wont go down into depression or anxiety or fear. Your spirit will live because your hope is in Him. You will have everlasting life. You will have peace, joy, love, Self control. God will spring a well in you and His spirit will the source of it all.

God Bless ya’ll. Stay strong and fight back!