So for the last 3 years I’ve been living in a state of……. Yep, you guessed it. ANXIETY… Seems like that’s all I talk about these days. I guess that would be because that’s all I can think about. Why am I so anxious? Why am I so scared all the time? I used to feel so peaceful. I felt secure and love. I thought about the future and felt ready for it. I laughed without fear because I knew where I was and whose I was. I lived and breathed peace! So what happened? What brought me to this state of anxiety that controls my every move.
About three years ago my husband and I bought a beautiful home to begin our lives in. We were newly married and full of life and love. We were thrilled and excited to see what life was going to bring us. We moved in and quickly began planning how we would decorate it, fix it up and change things around. But soon after we moved in our worlds came crashing down all around us. Little did I know at the time there was a demon hanging out in the house. I guess it was there from the people before. I don’t know why it was there nor do I care. My husband got saved in that house and so did my second oldest son. I remember the day he was dipped in the water. He rose up and came running down the stairs to me. He said “Oh mommy, it just makes your heart feel so good.” Out of the mouths of babes. Right! Well, little did everyone know I was being tormented day and night. I would wake up in sweats and speaking verses out loud. “Fear Not, for I am with you.” There were many, many nights I would sit up in my garage rocking back and forth saying “I rebuke you Satan in the name of Jesus.” Over and over. I think back now and I must have looked like a crazy person to an outsider. Hindsight is always 20/20 right!
I can’t really post everything about that time in my life on this post. That will have to be a separate one. But, I did want to share a few things with you over this season in my life. As I look back and begin to think it kind of breaks my heart. I’ve studied the bible my whole life. I’ve loved God since I was 15 years old and got saved. Not that I’ve lived the perfect life, because trust me I haven’t. But I tried to put Him first in my heart. But this trial about broke me. It almost left me crushed in the middle of the ring beaten down and broken beyond repair. That’s what I thought anyway.
Everyday was a fight. It felt like a fight to even be alive and breath. My mind was going crazy with thoughts I had never even thought of before. I was being brought down and I couldn’t figure out how to get back up. I was losing everything. My husband. My kids. My home. My life. Slowly everything started disappearing before my eyes. I needed to wake up and I just didn’t know how.
He is my champion! My hero! He is my security and my peace of mind! He is the love of my life and the other half of my heart! He has stuck with me through these trying times in my life. He has been my rock when I felt like I was slipping away. Yesterday I cleaned the house and did laundry all day. I don’t know how I got on this thought but it popped up and I welcomed it. I was mad about everything I had been going through. I just wanted the life I had pictured for myself. A beautiful home, a God-loving and fearing family who put God first above everything else. I wanted dinners at the table and movie nights with the kids. I wanted prayer circles and family meetings where things worked out. I wanted family road trips and corny home movies. I wanted love to lead us all together in this life. I wanted grace and mercy but discipline. I wanted Jesus front and center and for everything to just fall into place. But I allowed anxiety to threaten my life with Jesus. My love for my husband and my children. And what I pictured for us was slipping away. I was angry. I was angry at myself and angry at God. But through all this I never once thought about how much he had endured through this with me. How much he stuck by me when he could have run for the hills because he didn’t have a clue what was happening to his wife. Where was the woman he had married? She was fun and loving. She enjoyed him and wanted to be with him all the time. Anxiety was separating us.
What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder.
Anxiety was separating me from everything God was trying to give me. Until today. Today I woke up and realized, I have every gift God gave me. I have my health, my husband and my children. We have a beautiful home and food on our table. Our bills may be late, but they are paid. I have peace, love and joy and I have it in abundance because Jesus Christ is my Lord and my Savior. He is the perfect atonement for my sin. My life isn’t perfect, but I’m finding that the closer I come to Jesus and the truth, the more peace of mind I have to be who He created me to be. Hopelessly devoted to Him, to my husband and to my children.
My purpose to my husband:
We took vows on November 9th, 2013. I vowed to Love, Honor and Obey him.
If I look at him through the eyes of my flesh I will never see him the way God see’s him.. Which means I will never love him the way he needs to be loved. I was taught that men don’t have a conscience. Look out for yourself. Men can never love you and take care of you the way your suppose to be taken care of. Their only out for one thing. My mom, bless her heart had been through some very hard times with men, so she unknowingly pushed those beliefs onto me. As a mother and wife now and have gone through some very trying times myself, my husband is teaching me what a real man is. And that’s why I love him. I pray to see him through the eye’s of Jesus. A heart that’s good, though he’s not perfect. A man who stands by his word! I purpose to be what he needs me to be as much as I can be without letting my own personal experiences or fears get in the way of my love for him. Jesus created me with Shannon in mind. He created me with certain qualities and characteristics that fit perfectly with Shannon’s. When he is down, I purpose to lift him up with words of comfort. I protect him prayer through faith in God. I love him with understanding that we won’t always have the perfect situations but that God will lead us through it into His perfect will. Shannon and I were created for each other by the hands of God and His love in our minds and in our hearts!
My purpose to my children:
June 19,2001; January 19,2004; December 15,2015; February 23,2017 and My Stepson October 22,1991
These are the dates of the births of each one of my children. These are the greatest blessings to me from my father above. He listened to my heart and gave me my desire. A family to cherish and to love. We are a family of 7 and if you count the dog 8! My purpose to my children is show them how to navigate through this life as children of God’s first and foremost! Teach them to trust in God and lean on Him to lead them through whatever it is their going through. To entrust to God the desires of their hearts and watch God open the gates of Heaven and pour them out a blessing. I put school and work on the back burner. If God is first then all of those things will fall in place. But I’m afraid I have fallen short in this area. I taught them the way I was taught. That you can love God and still live the way you want. But that’s simply not true. You can’t have two masters. You will either love the one and hate the other. But you can’t serve both God and man. So these are things I need to work on myself and purpose to be better at.
My purpose as a Child of God’s:
I thought there wasn’t mush else I really needed to learn. I loved God and knew I was going to heaven. What else is there right. But, I’m finding there’s a whole lot more to it than that. Throughout this whole ordeal I have forgotten my purpose, to Love God with all my heart, all mind and all my soul. I have been so consumed with all these distractions that has caused me to live in fear and anxiety, I have forgotten how to love God the way he asks and desires to be loved. I could say commands but I’m putting this way so you can understand that we don’t serve a dictator. God wants us to love Him with every thing we have in us. With every fiber of our being we should be wrapped up in Him. When were angry that shouldn’t take our love from Him. When were hurt that shouldn’t take our love from Him. When we are full of confusion that shouldn’t take our love from Him. My purpose is to run this race in front of me with integrity! With God being the beginning and the ending for me.
Distractions will come! They come in forms of trials or tribulations. They come as deaths we don’t understand. They come as fears we feel we can’t conquer. They come as diseases that torment us. They come as confusion wrapped up in our own understanding. Distractions have a purpose and their sole purpose is to keep you from being who God created you to be. Perfectly in love with Him. If you want fear gone, perfect love casts out all fear. If you want worries to take a back seat, fill yourself with love and faith in God and it will be as if they never existed. If your tired, pull up a chair next to Jesus and rest on His shoulder! Drink in the peace He said was yours. You don’t have to ask for it, pray for it, beg for it, cry for it. He said “My peace I give unto you.” It’s a gift to you. Because you are His child peace is yours to have. So, kick the devil out! Kick him out of your mind, kick him out of your home. Kick him out of every thing he’s trying to take over and commit those things to God. Then sit back and watch God work in your life-like never before.
Loving Jesus is much like falling in love with your significant other! When you first meet your falling all over the place for them. Walking around with a smile on your face because your thinking about something they did that made you laugh. Or something she did that was cute. Or that he did that was goofy. Your thinking about how your lives will intertwine together and how things will work out. You can’t find any bad in the situation. You find flaws but you don’t mind them. There so small you barely even acknowledge them. You give no place to them at all. You are completely attracted to this person. Physically, mentally and emotionally! You wake up and you can’t wait to see them. They are your first thought! “What are they doing? Are they thinking about me? I wonder what he’s like getting dressed in the morning? Does he get coffee first? Is he a brat when he wakes up? Does he like to cuddle?” I mean the thoughts are endless. You can’t wait to get to know every thing about them. Your excited about this new relationship! You are filled with wonder and joy and nothing can take you from that. I mean the world can come crashing down but your still running around with this crazy smile on your face!
Loving Jesus is just like falling in love with your husband. It’s excited to greet him in the morning. It’s having pillow talk with him at night before you close your eyes to fall asleep in His arms! It’s knowing that no matter what Jesus is going to sustain you and take care of you whatever comes your way! It’s holding on to the love that He has for you and that gets you through the day. It’s excited to feel His presence when you call on Him. It’s expectantly waiting for His will to come to pass over your life. Loving Jesus was never meant to be hard. It was never meant to be a chore. Loving Jesus has always been about having a relationship with Him. It’s all about the way He loves you that makes you want to love Him in return.
If your lost in your circumstances and your thoughts about what happened to you are consuming you, your focused on the wrong thing. Go back. God back to the love of Jesus. Go back and remember HOW He loves you and all you will want to do is reciprocate that love to Him. If your lost in the “WHY’S” of what happened, that’s a trick from the devil meant to distract you from your purpose on this earth. To have an amazing relationship with your creator! Those “WHY’S” are just distractions and they are meant to pull you down, down, down until you feel like there’s nothing left.
When are we as Christians going to say “Enough. Your done” and stop allowing the devil to take away our gifts from our father. Our Love, Our Sound Mind and our Self Control! It’s time to stand up, rise above the ashes and allow the beauty God created in you to shine!
God Bless Y’all!