Depression

Part 2: Unsettled, The Confidence Thief

If you haven’t done so go back and read Unsettled, The confidence thief Part One. It will really open your mind and help you better understand a few things. It’s written through my perspective, but use it to be a starting point in your own life.

Some of us have more strongholds than fortknox! Were locked up tight inside our insecurities, pride, injustices and pain. Somewhere along the way we molded ourselves a brand new foundation. And that’s what we live our lives by.

What are some strongholds you have that do NOT line up with God’s word?

Strongholds take many forms and it looks different for each person. Take me for example. Fear comes in many different shapes for me. I’ll name just  few here to give you some examples.

  1. Heights: I do not fly, climb on ladders or do much of anything that causes me to bring my feet any higher than 3 ft off the ground.
  2. Elevators: I am extremely claustrophobic ANNNNDD I’m a little bit of a control freak on myself. So being enclosed in an elevator is not my thing.
  3. Losing my Salvation: Scared to death I’ll lose my God because my anxiety may get out of my control and I will blaspheme.

I have so many more forms of fears in my life. Each one of the ones I listed above in no direct order has a major effect on my life and those around me. For them, I am truly sorry. I fight daily to overcome these strongholds that surround and shape the way I think, feel and act. It’s truly not who I am and it’s certainly not who I saw myself becoming when I was a child. The tagline for my page is simple, but it’s not easy.

What You Give Way To, You Give Life To 

The first time I fed my fear I gave life to it. From there it stemmed into much more than I could have ever thought. What began as a helpless little fear has now become an actual part of who I am. Take driving on the freeway for example. I used to travel all over the country doing insurance adjusting. I drove to get there and drove to get home. That required me driving on the freeway and so much more. I can’t even truly tell you when and how it began. But, as of the last 10 years, I don’t drive on the freeway anymore. It grown into something huge. I thought it would just go away. These strongholds are like barriers. There built to keep me safely tucked in my comfort and control zone. But ironically, there slowly killing me on the inside.

Don’t give up, there’s still HOPE!

Lamentations 3:20-21

I will remember them , and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: 

Through all my struggles and all my pain over the last few years there were times when I thought about ending it all. My mind felt like jello and I couldn’t hold on to anything. I wanted so badly to have the “Made-Up Mind” I had once before. But, I had no idea how to achieve it. Throughout this four years of torture and pain, I’ve had people tell me “You don’t have enough faith. You need to read your bible more. You’re at home all day with nothing to do, read your bible.” I’ve had people tell me “What sin do you have in your life.” or “Are you praying about it?” I’ve had people tell me all sorts of things. But I think what strikes and hurts the most is the simple fact I’m not the woman my husband married. I’m not his partner like I used to be. He feels disconnected from me all the time. The last four years, has changed us both. We have both fallen short in many ways. But not in one, we still love each other very much. Were just trying to figure out how to find ourselves again. With that being said, I find hope like this. When everything feels to overwhelming and I feel like I just can’t take much more. I close my eyes and I start to think. I go way back to a specific event that happened. I lose myself in what I felt in that moment. I remember what I was thinking about and if my mind had always been this way or did I truly know peace at one time. And that’s what brings me hope, because I did have peace in my life at one time. A peace that surpasses all understanding. A peace that held me together when all I wanted to do was fall apart.

You will never be any good to anyone else until you make up your mind and go with it. Run like crazy. My husband tells me “I miss us.” We’ll I miss us to. I miss the us we used to be and frankly I wish everyday that this black cloud that surrounds me would just disappear as fast as it came. But, everyday I wake up and that monkey jumps on my back. Reminding that I am depressed and there’s not much to be happy about. Except today. Today I remembered something. The reason we were who we were back then is because I knew who I was and who I belonged to. That’s where my peace of mind came from and that’s where my confidence came from. See, I put it all in Him before I ever had kids, got married or did anything with my life. Jesus was the one for me. Until the day comes when all these things lose their grip on me I don’t know if I can ever be the person he used to know and love, though I try desperately hard to be. I will say this, I am a lot closer at being who I used to be today than I was four months ago. I am finally starting to see that anxiety has stolen a lot of things from me and I’m taking them back. One step at a time.

Give way to life. Give way to joy and peace and love. Give way to happiness and give way to the Holy Spirit. Allow Him to come into your heart and transform you. Don’t ever let anything take you from the hands that created you. No fear in hell can stand against the Power Of A Made Up Mind!

God Bless Y’all!

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