The intimidation of fear.
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All Bark and No Bite

What a great day I’m having today. I took the babies out for a walk this morning and they loved it. I started out with apprehension because all I could think was “Oh boy, this is going to be hot, take a while and the babies are going to get pretty cranky.” But, I enjoyed every second of it. I found peace that I’ve been searching for, for 3 years now. It was so refreshing and invigorating to feel myself just fall into the arms of Jesus throughout that walk. It was like my mind finally agreed with my heart and just knew

“Everything will be okay.”

I looked up the meaning of FEAR on my phone and this is what it says:

  • An unpleasant FEELING triggered by the perception of danger, real or imagined.

Fear is ALL BARK AND NO BITE:

Fear has this way of backing you into a corner and telling you what to do. Fear is an intimidation tactic used for a long time by the devil to get you to do what he wants you to do. He wants you to stay locked inside your mind. He wants you stay locked inside the walls that he builds for you like a good little prisoner.  When you try to get up by your own strength, he beats you back into submission, until you have no strength left to fight at all. One day you’ll wake up and look around and you’ll think to yourself. “How, did I get here? At what point in my life did I allow all this to happen?” When you start seeking those answers and having faith in what God says, you’ll finally know true freedom.

KJV

Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will FLEE from you.

Do you see that perfect word in there. I capitalized it for you! Here, I’ll type it again.

FLEE….

Again I looked this word up on my phone and here’s the definition for it. I love it!Run away from a place or situation of danger!

  • Run away from someone or something!

He has to flee from you. I want to tell you a bit of a story really quick to help you get a better understanding of what I mean: Follow along!

In 2004 I was induced into labor with my second child, Adrian! I remember it like it was yesterday. I kept telling the nurses to please tell the doctor to just break my water and I would go into active labor and ready to push. I guess they thought I was being stubborn or just didn’t want to deal with the pain anymore. Either way, they weren’t listening to me. So, for 16 hours I sat and labored in pain. Then, all of a sudden my blood pressure dropped and the next thing I know I’m in the pitch black dark. I could hear the nurses and doctors and the people talking around me. But, it was as if a veil was over them. I couldn’t really see them. All of a sudden I began to feel this tormenting feeling inside my stomach. It was as if my intestines was being turned inside out. I was beginning to feel fear at a great intensity at this time. I could feel two demons getting closer and closer to me. They were coming up on my left side. Although, I wasn’t permitted to look at them. Though I knew they were coming and I could feel everything they wanted me to feel. Then, in a split second, when they were almost close enough to touch me. This bright yellow, white light illuminates the room. I squint my eyes trying to grasp what just happened. I no longer felt the fear of the demons. By this time, they were afraid and bowing down. I’m finally able to open my eyes and see the one and only Jesus standing at the door. On His right and left side was an enormous Angel. They were on guard, though I’m not sure what they were protecting. Heaven, Jesus or the people I saw walking around. I’m not even sure what was on the other side of that door. So, there was Jesus. Standing there in ALL His glory. Beautiful and magnificent. This time fear came in a different way. My body began to tremble. My insides felt like they were going to shake right out of me. All I kept thinking was, “Run, Run.” my next thought was “But where will I go. If I go down He is there. If I go up He is there. There’s no where I can go that He won’t find me.” I wasn’t afraid because I thought He would hurt me. I was afraid because in His presence, you realize just how sinful you are. Jesus stood there looking straight at those demons, whom I am still not allowed to look at. I love the expression on His face. You ever seen a mom protecting their children and daring someone to touch them. Well, that’s the face He had. The demons began bowing down and backing up. They kept looking up to see if and what Jesus was going to do. They just kept backing up until they were no longer present. I find that hilarious. Then, Jesus looks over to me. He puts His right hand in the air and He says, “Daughter, be still!” Y’all, tears are falling at me writing this. The gratitude in my heart is overwhelmed at the word, Daughter! I am His daughter. I am His. He stopped at nothing to get to me in time. He stopped at nothing to make sure the devil knew, I wasn’t to be messed with. He made sure the devil knew the boundaries. Except, I still didn’t.(I’ll talk more on this later.) When Jesus put His right hand up and said those three words everything inside my heart, my mind and my body just went completely calm. This is where it tends to get a little funny. I hope I can write this well enough for y’all to picture this moment in your head and hold it in your heart. When I went calm and finally relaxed, I was fully in the presence of God. I wasn’t worried about anything else. Not having a baby. Not paying my bills. Not if anyone was mad at me. I was not worried about anything. I tried with all my might to get up out of the hospital bed. I couldn’t move my mid section. Only my legs and my chest and arms were able to move. I still believe till this day that Jesus only allowed me to be able to move those parts because I was still pregnant and while protecting me, He was also protecting my baby boy! I tried y’all to get out of that bed. I couldn’t. I was pleading and begging. “JESUS. Jesus is that you. Please don’t leave me here. Jesus please take me home. Am I going home.” I talked so much Jesus didn’t say a word. He let me keep talking. All I wanted was to go home and be with Him. As I was asking Him these questions Jesus was walking closer and closer to me. Let me tell y’all. The love I felt as He got closer and closer to me. Words just can’t even explain it. He is Love. Love isn’t a feeling. It’s so much more than even just a choice. It’s WHO He is. He is Love. Jesus stood before me looking down. He spoke, finally and said “Lay back.” I laid back and looked up wondering what was going to happen now. Surely if I was going He would have permitted me to come to Him, but He didn’t. So, He leaned in and said “It’s time.” Then He put His mouth on my nose and breathed life into me. I rose from the hospital bed with a gasp of air and time fore delivery. Now, some may say this was drugs or whatever the case may be. Except, I had an all natural delivery. So, that can’t be it.

If the Son therefore shall make you FREE, ye shall be FREE indeed.

I guess what I’m trying to say, is simply this. Jesus has done all that He needs to do. He lived for 33 years on this earth. He’s walked through and over every mountain presented to you in this life. On the night of His arrest He cried tears of Blood asking for this cup to pass from Him because he was in extreme fear. He knows exactly how you feel. At the end, He submitted to His fathers Will and that’s where Freedom comes in. You are free from these shackles wrapped around your neck. You are free to dream and love and see new and exciting things. It’s okay to laugh and it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to live and enjoy the life that Jesus died to give you. You are free! He loves you so much. He does not like seeing you down and despondent. He desires for you to come to Him and let Him break that yoke of bondage strapped around your neck and replace it with His yoke.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

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A new day

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I can still remember the day I gave my heart to Jesus.  I was sitting at the back of the revival my uncle was holding in Harlan Kentucky out of a gymnasium. I wasn’t sure where I stood with Jesus.  My life wasn’t exactly what I thought it should be.  I figured I had better get myself together before trying to go and ask Him if I could be apart of His world.  As I sat there listening to my uncle talk about the love of God and who Jesus was I kept feeling this tug on my heart. Pulling me forward.  It was like someone you don’t know but you really want to know calling you to come over and sit with them but you don’t feel worthy enough, so you hesitate.  In your mind your thinking “Just wait, they’ll change their mind.”

I waited and waited. I refused to be the first one up for altar call.  I kept thinking “I’m gonna look so stupid. These people need Him more than I do.” I mean that in a way that these people had real problems. Real needs and mine didn’t feel as important. God kept calling me though.  He kept tugging at my heart and so finally right before my uncle began to pray and after he told everyone to bow their heads, I made my way to the front. I was so nervous. I wasn’t sure what to expect. I felt like I didn’t belong but I wanted to be there. Very quietly got on my knees and bowed my head. My uncle walked by each person praying for them. He laid his right hand on each ones head as he prayed over them. When he got to me I almost ran away. But before I could lift myself up he touched my head. My eyes shut and I couldn’t believe what I was seeing.

A bright light illuminated the background and there He was. Jesus, front and center. Arms stretched as far as the east is from the west. He had the biggest smile across his face and He was looking at me. I remember that moment like it was yesterday. At first I jumped back. I wasn’t sure if I had actually just saw that or not. I looked up at my uncle and I wanted to tell him. I wanted to stop him and tell him what I had just seen. But, I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t move. I was in that awe-struck moment of “Did Jesus just show himself to me? Why did He show himself to me? I’m nothing and worthless, my sins abound me. ” From that moment, I fell head over heels in love with God. I dug into His word every chance I got. I prayed and talked to Him all the time. In fact if you ask around people will tell you, I made my coffee every morning and invited Jesus to have some with me. We sat at my dinning room table and had amazing conversations to start my day.

Anytime I was in my car alone, I would clear my passenger side seat and ask Him to ride with me. I needed time to talk to Him. And you know what, He showed up every single time. Those years I spent with Him, those quiet moments that’s just between the two of us I hold very dear to my heart.  It is those moments that get me through days like today. When depression seems to overwhelm me and I’m trying to fight just to breath. I didn’t always have to fight this hard with depression. In fact, I never understood why people didn’t “Just except” God and His promises and move on. It was so simple after all. He said He would fix it and He will. Let’s focus on something else. But, that was before I went through the hardest trial of my life.

Depression comes in many different shapes and forms. But, it only has one agenda. Steal, Kill and destroy. My depression lies to me daily with things like…..

  1. He doesn’t love you anymore.
  2. You were never worth loving, he just pretended with you
  3. He’s forgotten you, why else are you still stuck here
  4. You’re never going to get out of this
  5. Life is never going to get any better
  6. You’re going crazy
  7. He’s going to get tired of dealing with your mess
  8. You’re going to lose everything if you don’t get it together

My depression tells me all sorts of lies. But the one that get’s me the most, is my need to be or at least appear to be, in control. If I let go, will He catch me? If I feel fear will it kill me this time? If I don’t do things a certain way, then something bad will happen. These thought patterns are brand new. I didn’t always think this way. I didn’t always feel this way. These are called STRONGHOLDS.  Strongholds are formed by lies implanted into your mind by the devil and he’s just waiting for you to believe them.  When you begin to believe those lies they set up shop and become strongholds. Fortresses with the soul purpose of holding you captive and keeping you from realizing just exactly WHO you are.

It’s taken me a few years to get to this point.  For so long I didn’t think I would make it to the next minute. Much-less the next day. But, here I am. Four years later and I am still sitting here breathing.  It’s easy to get lost in your problems if that’s all you’re looking at. Once you allow your attention to be taken from Jesus the devil will try his best to devour you and if you’re not careful, he will. You are the prey and he’s on the prowl.

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Can I just tell you though, you don’t have to stay where you are. You don’t have to stay stuck in this train wreck that’s been your life for so long.  You can have peace, joy and love. You can have every promise of the bible because it’s for you. Jesus died to give you that. All you need is just a little FAITH! I know that feels like something you can’t give right now. Because you’ve been down so long having faith in anything feels impossible. Your afraid to believe because if you believe and it doesn’t happen then you got your hopes up for nothing. Let me tell you what Faith does for you.

“Fear can keep you up all night, but FAITH makes a mighty fine pillow.

I can’t tell you how many nights of sleep I’ve lost sitting up in fear. Fear of things that will never happen.  Fear of things that have happened and have already passed me by. I’m weary because of that fear.  Faith though, faith has made life easy. It has made life possible. It has made life worth living. It has made life pleasurable and I’ve been able to be content in the hardest of situations because of faith. Faith is the key that unlocks the blessings of God all over you life.

For the next 30 days I’ve decided to study two things. Faith and Jesus! These two things walk hand in hand.

John 6:35

Jesus said: “I am the bread of life: he that cometh to me shall never hunger; and he that believeth on me shall never thirst.

I don’t know about you, but I want that. I want to be completely content in every situation. I want to look up and see Jesus and just know way down deep in my soul that God has everything under control. I want my heart to sing to Jesus when I rise and praise Him when I close my eyes. I want everything about my life to signify that He is in me and I am in Him. I want to walk fearlessly through this life with faith that can shake mountains and remove them. I want my ears to hear and my heart to feel. I want Jesus!

So if you would like to take this journey with me for the next 30 days, subscribe to my blog and you’ll get email updates as I post them. This should be an interesting journey and I’m excited to take it. I know God can tear down any stronghold the devil tries to build up. I know God can heal and change any heart and I’m counting on that. Until then God bless and have a great night! See ya tomorrow!

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Return Unto Me

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I’m sitting here tonight thinking about how sweet life used to feel.  The beauty of the wind as it blew across my skin.  The sun as it feel underneath the earth and the moon raised it’s light high.  Life felt weightless and worth it.  It felt perfect and warm and it held so much meaning. I remember a time when I looked up with adoration and hope.  But lately, life hasn’t felt that way. It’s felt heavy and hard to breath. It’s felt like every move we’ve made has been the wrong one.  I have never felt so far from God, than I do right now at this very moment.  But the comfort in that statement for me is this, He is still very much with me.  I may not feel Him, or be aware of His presence. But, I know that Jesus will never leave me and He will never let me down.

I started this blog about 6 years ago. Originally it was suppose to be a way for me to get my thoughts out.  A safe place where no judgement could infiltrate my walls.  It was about getting the word of God out and sharing the good news about the Love of Jesus with the world.  It was my platform.  I wrote a few posts and then life began to happen.  I was a single mom with two little boys who very much needed me.  I stepped up and became mom and dad to them.  Apart from my studying at night after they went to bed my platform was just them and the close family members around me.  Other than that I didn’t make much room for God in my life.  I never took the time to honor Him. Not with my heart, not with my words, not with my prayers, not with anything.  Though I desperately wanted to.  I just didn’t know how.

The people I grew up around loved God with all their hearts, but they didn’t know how to serve Him and live in this world.  Troubles, worries, doubts and fears had taken it’s toll on them.  They forgot what living underneath God felt like.  Life had become their struggle.  Anger filled and fueled them.  They became complacent in their walk with their maker.  Even though troubles marched to our doorstep almost every single day.  I’m proud to get to be apart of saying that God delivered us from them all.  But that didn’t stop fear from crawling in through an open window left from doubt. I named this blog Fearing faith because I learned early on that the people I loved most feared trusting God.  Because they allowed fear to rule over them.

Four years ago I wouldn’t have been able to write this post.  I couldn’t understand where they stood, unless I myself stood their. I am now standing in a place with God that truly scares me.  Fear. Fear has put it’s arms around me and refuses to let go. It has stolen things away from me that I thought I could never get back.  Time with my husband.  Wonderful moments with my children. Teaching moments to help them grow in their faith. It has stolen years from my life. These are just to mention a few. I am reminded of a verse.

John 10:10

“The thief cometh not but to steal and to kill and to destroy. I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.”

The devil will always be there to knock you down.  He will come and try to steal every gift God has said is yours because Jesus died to give it to you!  His blood that was shed on the cross gives you the power to accept every gift and every promise over your life. Love, Peace, Joy, Self Control and these are just to name a few.  The devil wants to steal them from you and ultimately kill every dream in your heart so he can destroy you.  Your heart is your house and in your house is where all your treasures lay.  It’s the very foundation you’ve built your life upon. Being strong in the Lord is the only way to protect yourself.  Knowing and having faith in God is your weapon against the devil.  You can’t break a strong man. You can’t take them down or break them. But someone who is not prepared or who doesn’t know where they are standing is an easy target.

There was a time I thought I lost that battle.  I thought I wouldn’t make it and life would never be like it used to be. I thought God had left me and I was no longer His child. Even though He daily told me I was His and He choose me.  He told me I would be in paradise with Him. With my thoughts increasingly overwhelming to the point of contemplating suicide, I held onto hope. I held onto the one tiny little peace of hope I had.  God had given me the one desire of my heart that I held onto even though everything pointed to it never coming to fruition. A daughter! He gave me the greatest desire of my heart in a time when I didn’t think I could take another breath. He gave me a daughter from the loins of a man who was told “You will never have children.”  Who himself never wanted to have kids. But then woke up one morning and decided, he wanted to have a baby and so, we did! God not only gave me that little girl. But he gave me a son! Another son to love and to hold! Another son to teach to love God with all His heart. To raise to see him seek after God with all that He is! Though life is still a struggle to trying to find my way back to God. I can say that everyday get’s sweeter and sweeter knowing that I will one day wake up and all this fear and apprehension that plagues my mind will be gone.

God is showing me how to come home! I gotta admit though, I’ve wanted Him to just make it go away. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I was exhausted and didn’t think I should have to fight. I already knew He was worth it and that in my mind was all that mattered. But, I now realize there’s character in fighting. There are tons of lessons to be learned through the battle and I couldn’t have ever understood or have compassion for those who have been fighting much longer than I have. I used to be angry that God wasn’t healing me and taking it away.  I knew He could and in my mind it felt like He was refusing to help me. I felt rejected by the one person I knew I could always count on.  I felt abandoned and left in the cold.

It has been a slow process but it has been worth every step I’ve taken.  Every breath I take that brings me closer to Jesus is worth taking, even if it hurts to breath.  I lost my way.  I came upon a cross roads. There names were Fear, Worry, Doubt and Depression.  Each road left me feeling even more lost than I was before.  Soon confusion filled my mind and I wasn’t sure who to trust. Who to love. Who to give my heart to. I wasn’t sure where to turn. I wasn’t sure if everything I had been taught or knew before was worth knowing now.

Jesus says in John 14:6

“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the father except through me.”

Jesus is the way and I lost that. I lost sight of what was important. I lost what was so beautiful.  I’m like the prodigal son. The one who gets all of his fathers estate before he passes and goes out into the world and spends all of his money. Just to find himself eating like the pigs. Once he realizes he can at least eat better at his dads because they feed their servants well, he goes home. To his surprise, his father was over the moon happy to see him return.  Though, he was afraid his father would turn him away because of the choices he’s made and the lifestyle he’s lived. In this story that’s not the case. His dad ends up throwing him the biggest party he’s ever seen.

That journey the prodigal son walked on his way back home to his fathers house is the road we all must walk when we lose our way.  We tote that baggage a long way. hiker-traveler-trip-travel-160483.jpeg

All the ways we’ve been wronged and hurt.  All the times someone has said things to us that cut us deep. The losses we’ve suffered. It’s all right there in the luggage of our minds where we store our memories. We lock it up and hold onto it just in case we need to pull it out for future uses.  It’s time to tear those strongholds down and stop allowing those things to hinder our walk with God. It’s time to let go of all that pain and just bask in the love God has for us and give Him the praise of His love over us. It’s time to rejoice in the fact that, yes, I may be down but I’m not out thanks to God. His mercy says I can return unto Him and He will take me back in under His wing.

It’s time for us to trust God. Not just in words but in our hearts. Truly trust Him. Really make the decision to say, “That’s it, come what may I believe that this will work out to my good because God says No Weapon Formed Against Me Shall Prosper.

Let’s make this trek together. Let’s face our fears one day at a time and allow God to walk in and heal us with His love and mercy. Until all that flows out of us is His love and compassion. His will to do what’s right and run far from evil.

 

 

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Rise above the Ashes

So for the last 3 years I’ve been living in a state of……. Yep, you guessed it. ANXIETY… Seems like that’s all I talk about these days. I guess that would be because that’s all I can think about. Why am I so anxious? Why am I so scared all the time? I used to feel so peaceful. I felt secure and love. I thought about the future and felt ready for it. I laughed without fear because I knew where I was and whose I was. I lived and breathed peace! So what happened? What brought me to this state of anxiety that controls my every move.

CONFUSION

About three years ago my husband and I bought a beautiful home to begin our lives in. We were newly married and full of life and love. We were thrilled and excited to see what life was going to bring us. We moved in and quickly began planning how we would decorate it, fix it up and change things around. But soon after we moved in our worlds came crashing down all around us. Little did I know at the time there was a demon hanging out in the house. I guess it was there from the people before. I don’t know why it was there nor do I care. My husband got saved in that house and so did my second oldest son. I remember the day he was dipped in the water. He rose up and came running down the stairs to me. He said “Oh mommy, it just makes your heart feel so good.” Out of the mouths of babes. Right! Well, little did everyone know I was being tormented day and night. I would wake up in sweats and speaking verses out loud. “Fear Not, for I am with you.” There were many, many nights I would sit up in my garage rocking back and forth saying “I rebuke you Satan in the name of Jesus.” Over and over. I think back now and I must have looked like a crazy person to an outsider. Hindsight is always 20/20 right!

I can’t really post everything about that time in my life on this post. That will have to be a separate one. But, I did want to share a few things with you over this season in my life. As I look back and begin to think it kind of breaks my heart. I’ve studied the bible my whole life. I’ve loved God since I was 15 years old and got saved. Not that I’ve lived the perfect life, because trust me I haven’t. But I tried to put Him first in my heart. But this trial about broke me. It almost left me crushed in the middle of the ring beaten down and broken beyond repair. That’s what I thought anyway.

Everyday was a fight. It felt like a fight to even be alive and breath. My mind was going crazy with thoughts I had never even thought of before. I was being brought down and I couldn’t figure out how to get back up. I was losing everything. My husband. My kids. My home. My life. Slowly everything started disappearing before my eyes. I needed to wake up and I just didn’t know how.

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My Husband:

He is my champion! My hero! He is my security and my peace of mind! He is the love of my life and the other half of my heart! He has stuck with me through these trying times in my life. He has been my rock when I felt like I was slipping away. Yesterday I cleaned the house and did laundry all day. I don’t know how I got on this thought but it popped up and I welcomed it. I was mad about everything I had been going through. I just wanted the life I had pictured for myself. A beautiful home, a God-loving and fearing family who put God first above everything else. I wanted dinners at the table and movie nights with the kids. I wanted prayer circles and family meetings where things worked out. I wanted family road trips and corny home movies. I wanted love to lead us all together in this life. I wanted grace and mercy but discipline. I wanted Jesus front and center and for everything to just fall into place. But I allowed anxiety to threaten my life with Jesus. My love for my husband and my children. And what I pictured for us was slipping away. I was angry. I was angry at myself and angry at God. But through all this I  never once thought about how much he had endured through this with me. How much he stuck by me when he could have run for the hills because he didn’t have a clue what was happening to his wife. Where was the woman he had married? She was fun and loving. She enjoyed him and wanted to be with him all the time. Anxiety was separating us.

Mark 10:9

What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder.

Anxiety was separating me from everything God was trying to give me. Until today. Today I woke up and realized, I have every gift God gave me. I have my health, my husband and my children. We have a beautiful home and food on our table. Our bills may be late, but they are paid. I have peace, love and joy and I have it in abundance because Jesus Christ is my Lord and my Savior. He is the perfect atonement for my sin. My life isn’t perfect, but I’m finding that the closer I come to Jesus and the truth, the more peace of mind I have to be who He created me to be. Hopelessly devoted to Him, to my husband and to my children.

My purpose to my husband:

We took vows on November 9th, 2013. I vowed to Love, Honor and Obey him.

If I look at him through the eyes of my flesh I will never see him the way God see’s him.. Which means I will never love him the way he needs to be loved. I was taught that men don’t have a conscience. Look out for yourself. Men can never love you and take care of you the way your suppose to be taken care of. Their only out for one thing. My mom, bless her heart had been through some very hard times with men, so she unknowingly pushed those beliefs onto me. As a mother and wife now and have gone through some very trying times myself, my husband is teaching me what a real man is. And that’s why I love him. I pray to see him through the eye’s of Jesus. A heart that’s good, though he’s not perfect. A man who stands by his word! I purpose to be what he needs me to be as much as I can be without letting my own personal experiences or fears get in the way of my love for him. Jesus created me with Shannon in mind. He created me with certain qualities and characteristics that fit perfectly with Shannon’s. When he is down, I purpose to lift him up with words of comfort. I protect him prayer through faith in God. I love him with understanding that we won’t always have the perfect situations but that God will lead us through it into His perfect will. Shannon and I were created for each other by the hands of God and His love in our minds and in our hearts!

My purpose to my children:

June 19,2001; January 19,2004; December 15,2015; February 23,2017 and My Stepson October 22,1991

These are the dates of the births of each one of my children. These are the greatest blessings to me from my father above. He listened to my heart and gave me my desire. A family to cherish and to love. We are a family of 7 and if you count the dog 8! My purpose to my children is show them how to navigate through this life as children of God’s first and foremost! Teach them to trust in God and lean on Him to lead them through whatever it is their going through. To entrust to God the desires of their hearts and watch God open the gates of Heaven and pour them out a blessing. I put school and work on the back burner. If God is first then all of those things will fall in place. But I’m afraid I have fallen short in this area. I taught them the way I was taught. That you can love God and still live the way you want. But that’s simply not true. You can’t have two masters. You will either love the one and hate the other. But you can’t serve both God and man. So these are things I need to work on myself and purpose to be better at.

My purpose as a Child of God’s:

I thought there wasn’t mush else I really needed to learn. I loved God and knew I was going to heaven. What else is there right. But, I’m finding there’s a whole lot more to it than that. Throughout this whole ordeal I have forgotten my purpose, to Love God with all my heart, all mind and all my soul. I have been so consumed with all these distractions that has caused me to live in fear and anxiety, I have forgotten how to love God the way he asks and desires to be loved. I could say commands but I’m putting this way so you can understand that we don’t serve a dictator. God wants us to love Him with every thing we have in us. With every fiber of our being we should be wrapped up in Him. When were angry that shouldn’t take our love from Him. When were hurt that shouldn’t take our love from Him. When we are full of confusion that shouldn’t take our love from Him. My purpose is to run this race in front of me with integrity! With God being the beginning and the ending for me.

Distractions will come! They come in forms of trials or tribulations. They come as deaths we don’t understand. They come as fears we feel we can’t conquer. They come as diseases that torment us. They come as confusion wrapped up in our own understanding. Distractions have a purpose and their sole purpose is to keep you from being who God created you to be. Perfectly in love with Him. If you want fear gone, perfect love casts out all fear. If you want worries to take a back seat, fill yourself with love and faith in God and it will be as if they never existed. If your tired, pull up a chair next to Jesus and rest on His shoulder! Drink in the peace He said was yours. You don’t have to ask for it, pray for it, beg for it, cry for it. He said “My peace I give unto you.” It’s a gift to you. Because you are His child peace is yours to have. So, kick the devil out! Kick him out of your mind, kick him out of your home. Kick him out of every thing he’s trying to take over and commit those things to God. Then sit back and watch God work in your life-like never before.

Loving Jesus

Loving Jesus is much like falling in love with your significant other! When you first meet your falling all over the place for them. Walking around with a smile on your face because your thinking about something they did that made you laugh. Or something she did that was cute. Or that he did that was goofy. Your thinking about how your lives will intertwine together and how things will work out. You can’t find any bad in the situation. You find flaws but you don’t mind them. There so small you barely even acknowledge them. You give no place to them at all. You are completely attracted to this person. Physically, mentally and emotionally! You wake up and you can’t wait to see them. They are your first thought! “What are they doing? Are they thinking about me? I wonder what he’s like getting dressed in the morning? Does he get coffee first? Is he a brat when he wakes up? Does he like to cuddle?” I mean the thoughts are endless. You can’t wait to get to know every thing about them. Your excited about this new relationship! You are filled with wonder and joy and nothing can take you from that. I mean the world can come crashing down but your still running around with this crazy smile on your face!

Loving Jesus is just like falling in love with your husband. It’s excited to greet him in the morning. It’s having pillow talk with him at night before you close your eyes to fall asleep in His arms! It’s knowing that no matter what Jesus is going to sustain you and take care of you whatever comes your way! It’s holding on to the love that He has for you and that gets you through the day. It’s excited to feel His presence when you call on Him. It’s expectantly waiting for His will to come to pass over your life. Loving Jesus was never meant to be hard. It was never meant to be a chore. Loving Jesus has always been about having a relationship with Him. It’s all about the way He loves you that makes you want to love Him in return.

If your lost in your circumstances and your thoughts about what happened to you are consuming you, your focused on the wrong thing. Go back. God back to the love of Jesus. Go back and remember HOW He loves you and all you will want to do is reciprocate that love to Him. If your lost in the “WHY’S” of what happened, that’s a trick from the devil meant to distract you from your purpose on this earth. To have an amazing relationship with your creator! Those “WHY’S” are just distractions and they are meant to pull you down, down, down until you feel like there’s nothing left.

When are we as Christians going to say “Enough. Your done” and stop allowing the devil to take away our gifts from our father. Our Love, Our Sound Mind and our Self Control! It’s time to stand up, rise above the ashes and allow the beauty God created in you to shine!

God Bless Y’all!

 

 

Uncategorized

The Confidence Thief

This piece is probably one of the most important pieces I have ever written for both private purposes and public. It’s very dear to my heart and it is the awakening I’ve needed for three very long years. I hope as you read, you will find something in here that helps you get through your mess and know that Jesus is always on your side.

November 9, 2013! A date I won’t soon forget! It’s the day Shannon and I said “I Do.” Just myself, him and our Pastor in a little room. We looked at each other and vowed to love each other no matter what storms come our way. Through all the good times we were sure to have and all the storms we never thought would come. We vowed to love through things we had never been through. Through things that had never crossed our paths. How could we have vowed to love one another through these trials when we had no clue what was coming?

The Answer is simple, you have to first know what love is before you can ever commit to it. Love isn’t just butterflies in the pit of your stomach. It’s not all roses and sunshine. Love isn’t waking in the morning and dancing across the room with each other as you get ready to take on the day.

Love is Messy.

Pure and simple. When you get right down to it, love is hard. It’s not easy to choose to love someone when you don’t even like them very much at that moment.

Over the last three years my husband and I have endured things no newly weds should ever have to endure. We’ve fought legal proceedings, oppression, depression, foreclosures, repo’s, late bills, no money for the bills. Job loss after job loss. We’ve had to sell stuff off just to keep the lights on and we’ve had to borrow money from family to make ends meet. But even then the ends didn’t meet. We were spiraling. Our lives felt completely out of control. We tried to turn every where to get some kind of mental grasp on all these things that were happening. But the more we tried to understand the worse it got. Because nothing made sense.

We held onto each other for dear life as we faced this road together. We’ve weathered the hardest storm I think either of us will ever see again. But there were many moments in the last three years that we both felt very hopeless. As if the very life had been sucked right out of us. We had no desire to do anything because we felt like we had nothing. Our Confidence had been taken. Our confidence in our ability to help each other, to love each other the right way. Many nights I would lay in bed and cry to my husband telling him I wished things were different and I just didn’t understand. I was heartbroken and I was losing my confidence in Jesus. Slowly life just didn’t make sense anymore. The very foundation I had built my life on was slipping away and I felt helpless to stop it.

It was like a downward spiral I couldn’t find my way back from. I would call and have my uncles and cousins pray with me. I would lay awake at night going over and over in my head all the bad thoughts that had crossed over my mind. I would lay awake at night trying to figure out how to fix myself and how to not be so afraid. Years went by. Stress took its toll on me. I began to lose weight rapidly. At one point in time you could count my ribs. I lost so much hair. Everywhere you looked gobs of my hair would be there. My bones were beginning to ache and I had tension headaches and this is coming from someone whose had one headache her whole life.

I was so busy looking at all the bad things going on around me and trying to fix myself that I actually forgot how to just be in love with Jesus. I forgot how to trust Him and just lean on Him. I forgot how to just be with Him.

What you give way to, you give life to.

It was a few weeks ago when I got a revelation. CONFIDENCE. I had lost all confidence in God which in turn caused me to lose confidence in everything. The very foundation beneath my feet had crumbled and I had fallen. So, I researched the word Confidence trying to figure out what God was telling me. The more and more I researched this word the more and more God was showing me that I needed to just relax again. Come home. Talk to Him. Not just in fear and anxiety, but in peace and love.

Listen, we have a real enemy and he’s out to destroy you. Slowly he creeps up on you throwing this and that your way. He uses fear to encapsulate you and then he begins by sowing a seed of doubt in your mind. He fuels your anger with thoughts of lies. You don’t realize it, but by now, your leaning on your own understanding. Your asking God questions and demanding answers. You’ve put God on trial in your life and the devil is sitting back laughing about it. Because not only are you being destroyed a little bit at a time. He’s watching as you unravel your relationship with Jesus.

Life will always throw things your way. Big or small. You have to just come to that realization. Sometimes things will come as a way to push you forward. Sometimes will come because of our own choices. Sometimes we are tested and tried. But one thing you always need to remember, EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Nothing gets passed, through or around God without His knowledge or permission. So instead of letting fear or worry grip you, lean into your problem and ask God what He wants you to learn from it. Dig in and read your bible and let the Holy Spirit show you.

And above all else, put your hope in God alone because you can’t make it through this life on your own strength or by your own will. You need security. You need protection. You need a driving force. God is everything you want Him to be and more. You just have to want Him to show you. It’s time to stand up and make the choice. I’m going to start serving God and not myself. I’m going to make the hard decisions to do the right thing even when I don’t want to do the right thing. I’m going to let the Holy Spirit help me and when He tires I will listen to Him and not grieve Him. Life was never meant to be hard. Yes we are told trials would come our way. But we were also told if we kept our hope in Him he would be faithful to keep us in perfect peace!

So yes, Love is messy. But God loves all of our messes and He wants to come in and clean up that mess of a heart and mind you’ve got going on. Give Him your problems today and watch Him heal all the broken places of your life.

Have a blessed day! Love you all!

Uncategorized

The Big Bully

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Have you seen or known someone who walks into a room and does everything they can to make you as small as they possibly could so they could be exalted? I know people like that. They belittle you, walk on you, push you around, tear you down and try their best to rip you apart. Believe it or not, that’s not their main goal and it’s not them whose trying to tear you down. Would you believe me if I told you we have a real enemy out there. Someone whose ultimate goal is to see you fail in every way possible and he controls you by controlling your emotions. Those little thoughts you hear “Oh no that’s not gonna fly. Their not going to talk to me like that. I ain’t no punk. Your better than that.” You know the thoughts I’m talking about. Those thoughts taunt everyone.

People have this misconception that Christians are the exception to being attacked by the devil. I know I sure did. But over the course of three years, I’ve been attacked in every direction. I blamed God. I thought He wasn’t living up to His word to me. But that was wrong. It wasn’t until recently that I began to realize what was really happening.

When I was a little girl God prophisieded to me that I would lead my family to Christ. I was called to teach His word. I always felt the call. I knew the Lord was calling me for a special purpose. But, I never felt worthy enough to embrace that call. I loved the Lord. I was passionate about Him, though I’ve made my fair share of mistakes in this life. But because there was a call on my life the devil came running to tear me apart.

I’ll list a few examples:

When my mom was in labor with me, the elevator got stuck. My mother bless her heart, has babies in no time. The nurse was freaking out, my mom was freaking out. Thank God my grandma was there who was a pro by that time having babies. She had 12 babies all natural! So my grandma calms everyone down, get’s my mom’s breathing under control and finally the elevator get’s moving. I came very shortly after they got off the elevator.

When I was 11 I had a planter wart on my foot that had to be surgically removed. So my mom took me into the doctor and he said “No big deal, day surgery.” So back I go, all by myself. The doctor is sitting at the end of my bed. The anistecialogist say count backwards from 10. I began to count and while I was doing so I was looking at the doctor at the end of my table. He had the knives in his hand to begin cutting once I was asleep. But he was taking those knives and scraping them back and forth with this evil smile on his face while he was laughing. Now, to some that may be no big deal. But for an eleven year old. I can only begin to tell the repercustions that have followed because of that. The fears I’m still trying to conquer. That’s called bondage.

Soon after that surgery I was at my friends house and we were riding our bikes to our other friends house. At this time we lived in League City and we were crossing a very busy street. 518 in front of what used to be Bases.(The best hamburgers ever). We jumped off our bikes and began crossing the road. For some reason we didn’t cross together. She went one way I went another. Well, in the middle of the road in the turning lane a car hit me. I’ve never met the woman until this day. She hit me, backed up and then drove around me. She was going to leave me there and act like it didn’t happen. Thank God He put people there to help me. And thank God, all that happened was a broken leg. But that was just the beginning of my problems.

After that, things seem to calm down. In a way! The devil then started his schemes in other way. I would be in the middle of something and here would come a thought, it would go a little something like this.

“They don’t really like you.”

“You know there making fun of you behind your back.”

“No one listens to you. Your stupid and they are smarter than you, so why are you even trying, just give up.”

In those moments I would become melancholic. I would then start to think “Wow, maybe I should just give up. Just do what everyone else is doing. No one listens to me anyway. I’m not smart enough. I’m the youngest in my family. I don’t make good grades. I don’t play sports. I’m not involved in anything.”

I began to give up. But God would still lift me up somehow and I would still try. Though I made many mistakes.

On to the next….

While I was in labor with my 13 year old, my blood pressure dropped. I ended up dyeing on the table. This is probably one of the hardest things to describe. So please bare with me as I try to describe the single most amazing moment of my entire life. So, as I was saying, my blood pressure dropped and I opened my eyes. It was completely black. In the background, like behind a veil I could see the nurses and doctors. I could see my dad. But I wasn’t apart of that world. I was in the spirit world. All of sudden fear began to well up in me. I could feel two demons getting close to me. Coming up on my left side. I never looked that way. But I was scared because they were getting closer. Now, I was still in my hospital bed. I felt this tormenting feeling in the pit of my stomach. It was as if my stomach was being moved and shifted and being turned inside out. At that moment a bright light came bursting through. I squeezed my eyes shut. The light was so bright, it was light looking at the sun except with no pain. I look to my right and begin to unsquench my eyes and see Jesus. Well, there is a very distinct difference between fear of the Lord and fear of torment from the devil. Jesus stands there, with a door behind Him. There was one angel on His right with his back towards Him and the same with the angel on the left. There were people walking around in the back inside the door. Jesus never speaks to them. He just stands there. The two demons begin bowing down and backing up. Turning and running. But I remember the look on Jesus’ face. He just looked at them, “Like really. You actually are trying to mess with her.” I love it ya’ll. So while Jesus is giving them this big disapproval look my body quickly goes from fear to trembling. It’s a different kind of fear. Its the kind where you know the king of kings is standing in your presence. At that moment Jesus turns His attention to me! I couldn’t look at Him because I knew I was in the presence of holiness! Jesus puts up His right hand and says “Daughter, Be Still”. At that moment every fear in me left. Every pain. Every trepidation. The only thing left in me was a desire to be with Him. I tried as hard as I could to crawl out of that bed. As I was trying to lift myself from the bed, I was looking at Jesus saying “Jesus is that you. Jesus. Did you come to bring me home. Jesus please take me home. Please don’t leave me here!” All the while I’m trying as hard as I can to get up. But I couldn’t move my middle part of my body. Jesus wouldn’t allow it I’m guessing! As I was pleading with Him to go ahead and take me home, He was walking towards me. The closer He got the more love I felt! But it took Him getting close to me to feel that love! I look up and He’s standing right over top of me! He smiles and says “lay back”. I do as I’m told because, well, I’m in the presence of Jesus and He commands. But it’s not in a dictator way. It’s in the most loving way! In a way that you WANT to obey Him! He leans over me and I’m just looking at Him! He so beautiful! I felt so full in His presence! I didn’t need or want anything else! I just wanted Him! As He’s leaned down on top of me He says “It’s time” He puts one hand on my forehead and covering my eyes, kind-of. The other hand on my heart. He puts His mouth on my nose and breathes into me. Life giving breath. I raise from the bed back to being here. With a gasp of air and trying to get my senses about me, I say “It’s time”. There came my baby boy. All 6lbs 10oz of him. I’ll never forget that experience. I hold onto that moment as hard and as tight as I can because it can so easily be lost in this mess of my mind if I allow it to.

There’s another time I could tell you about. A time that was scary and turned my world inside out and upside down. Because I allowed it. God was there for me. He protected me. Loved me through as much as I allowed Him to. He sheltered me. He tried to talk to me. But I became so overwhelmed with fear that I couldn’t hear Him. I let all these lies take me over and almost crush me. Everyday I wake up and fight back. Some days are much better than others. Some days I wake up and I’ve got the devil on the run and some days I wake up and it feels like everything is going to collapse in on me. But breath by breath I’m still fighting. Fighting to surrender all these thoughts that were never mine to hold onto. Fighting to surrender my heart over to Jesus because I know He’s the only one who can take care of it. Everyday I’m fighting to remember that He is the first one and the only one in my life that can complete me and everything else is just a bonus.

I know it can get discouraging fighting fears and anxiety. Trust me. I know that walk all to well. We pray and seek God and His hand. We get angry when we feel like He doesn’t answer our prayers. But what if God is waiting on you to sacrafice those fears to Him. Offer them up and in place put on a shield of Faith that He will see you through them.

See the bully I’m talking about doesn’t have any remorse. He doesn’t care how much your suffering. He doesn’t care how many tears have fallen down your face. He doesn’t care that your tired. He’s completely content keeping you in confusion and leaving you exhausted to even praise because you’ve forgotten what your praising for. He’s out to destroy everything that you are. He wants to kill every dream every desire that God has placed in your heart. Because your faith in that dream or that desire is activation for God to move on your life and bring more people to the Kingdom of Heaven.

Your carrying a load God never intended or wanted you to carry. It breaks His heart to see you in such discontent. He cries out for you to just trust Him and allow Him to make things better. But as long as your walking in fear, your not walking in faith. The only way to please God is by faith. So today, even if it’s just a mustard seed. Trust God for something, about something. Give Him the chance to show you who He is what He’s about. He’s about healing you from the inside out. He’s about bringing you into Him and holding you close. He’s about sheltering you and loving you through the maddness of this world. He’s about taking care of you. Because my dear, you are His to love!

Start unraveling that fear through faith. Fix the heart of your eyes on Jesus. Search Him out. Get to know Him. Ask Him to help you get through this and then have the faith that He will. Start talking to Jesus about other things.

The devil loves it when you dwell on things that haven’t happened. He knows it’s tearing you apart and taking you further and further away from God.

But God is calling you back! He’s ready with open arms and He’s smiling at you. You are loved, cherished, adored, kept, protected, wanted, beautiful. You are His child and His love. His heart is for you. So take the time to get to know Gods heart and you’ll know when the devil is trying to push you around and knock you down. Then you will know how to stand against Him and have God on your side. Then the devil wont be able to do anything to you.

 

For God so LOVED the world that HE GAVE His only begotten son, so that whosoever believes in Him shall NOT PERISH but have EVERLASTING LIFE.

I want ya’ll to know something about this verse above. This verse applies to our lives now. Not just when we die and go to our final resting place. When it says “NOT PERISH” that means your mind wont go down into depression or anxiety or fear. Your spirit will live because your hope is in Him. You will have everlasting life. You will have peace, joy, love, Self control. God will spring a well in you and His spirit will the source of it all.

God Bless ya’ll. Stay strong and fight back!

faith/fear, Uncategorized

Faith/Fear

Psalm 139:13

For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mothers womb.

WHO AM I?

How many times have you asked yourself this question? How many times have you broke down without any idea of where your going and what your suppose to be doing in life? How long have you struggled with your Identity? Let me tell you, for the last few years my Identity has been the only thing on my mind. Who am I? What did God create me for? What am I suppose to do for the kingdom of God?

Can I just tell you, I suffer from Anxiety. It takes form in different ways to try and take over my life. I can remember a time when I was unable to leave my house. For six months the closest I came to being outside, was in my garage. That was a very sad time in my life. I thought it was going to break me. I was constantly thinking down on myself. Feeling like everyone was looking at me as if I was crazy or weak. I felt weak. I felt lost. I didn’t understand how this happened? I almost settled into this mindset of “Well, I guess this will be my life.” Then one day, I got up, got dressed and decided “Today, I’m conquering this. Today, I’m going to head down a different path.” It wasn’t easy. I had to wake up everyday with the decision that I was going to progress and know that in the end I would win. You could say, I made up my mind! There were days that would come that would make it especially hard for me to make that decision. In the form of a family member who just didn’t understand how I became afraid. They would try to intimidate me, pep talk me, put me down, run me over. They finally gave up. I’m very hard headed. I have to do things my own way at my own time.

I started small. I walked to the door and put my hand on the door knob. Panic filled me. Even though I wasn’t even close to going outside. My heart began to race. My palms got sweaty. My thoughts were racing 100 miles a minute. I sent my brain into overload with the decision I was about to make. I was trying my very best to trust God. As fear was knocking on my door, my heart was crying out for God to take it. I closed my eyes and I submitted that moment to God. I wasn’t able to turn the entire fear over to Him. But I was able to submit that moment of fear to Him. Little by little that mountain began to fall down. It started to crumble beneath my feet. Each moment that I surrendered to God, He took a little more of that fear away. One day I opened the door and just shut it back. I did that quite a few times before I got the nerve to actually step outside. Can I just tell you, when I finally stepped outside it was nothing like I thought it was going to be. Though I was scared, the joy of standing there with the sun wrapped around my face and the cool fall breeze was something off of a beautiful love story. (I so wish I could pick my life background music, “Eye of the Tiger”) While fear was present and trying so very hard to suck me back in, it just wasn’t possible. The feeling of freedom felt to good.

I want you to know that sometimes were just not able to surrender it all to God all at once. For some people, they can and that’s a beautiful thing. But for others, it takes time to be healed. It takes Gods grace and His faithfulness to show us “Hey, I’m not moving. I’m in this for the long haul. I know your scared. I’ve got you. Just start letting go.” Sometimes all you have to do, is surrender that moment to God. That moment is all it takes to move mountains. To split waters. To turn water into wine. To heal the blind and so on. Those small moments we hand over to God in submission He makes sure He makes good use of that time with Him. In those moments God is filling your heart with more treasure than you can ever imagine. Those are the moments where you finally understand “Peace that surpasses all understanding.”

Fear has a way of taking who we are and shaping it into who it wants us to be. Fear is a dictator. Fear is relentless. Fear is torment. Fear is a lot of things. But fear, is not you.

God did not create you to fear.

WHO GOD SAYS YOU ARE TO HIM!

  • You are justified through Grace, (Romans 3:24)
  • You are loved (John 3:16)
  • You are united with God through the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:17)
  • You are a new creature in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17)
  • You are the work of His hands (Ephesians 2:10)
  • You are 100% forgiven (1 John 1:9)
  • You are spiritually alive (Ephesians 2:5)
  • You are a citizen of Heaven (Philippians 3:20)

And the list goes on and on! You are many things to God. You are chosen and loved. You are His heart walking around here on earth. Let God show you who you are through His spirit inside you! I know through life, circumstances have shaped the way you think and feel about God, about fear, about “the cards you’ve been dealt”. I know fear has a way of making you really believe what it’s saying. It’s deceitful like that. It can steal your joy, your peace, your love, your desires and your passions. It can make your dreams feel like a thing of the past while it steals every part of your present.

But the Joy of the Lord is your strength. Though everything may come crumbling down on you, keep looking up. Never look away or get distracted. Those are just hurdles that you were never meant to jump without the Power of God inside you pushing you forward.

The hardest part about facing fear, is getting still. When you are naturally a melancholic person you tend to naturally think downward thoughts. Your genetically, fearfully and wonderfully made this way. But, there is beauty in those melancholic moments. When God leans down from on High and lifts you out, words can’t describe it. Getting still, getting quite and just listening and waiting patiently for God to just be there, is hard. You are flooded with emotions and feelings that you can’t pin down and turn them away. Your trying to lead those thoughts into captivity, but every time you do another one comes along that seems to justify the first thought. The devil is great at making you confused. It’s his middle name. He’s out for one thing. Revenge. Don’t take it personally. He’s not after you. He’s after whose inside you. He’s angry that God kicked him out of Heaven. He’s doing everything he can to sabotage your relationship with God. Don’t let him.

Don’t let him take another thing from you. Don’t let him steal another second of your life and your walk with Jesus. Start regaining your ground. God gave you the power. God gave you a sound mind and God gave you Love. We all know what Love can do, Right! Love covers a multitude of sins. Love opens doors and restores relationships. Love brings closure and forgiveness. Love changes people. Love is one of the greatest gifts the Holy Spirit has ever given us. We Love, because He first Loved us. So He teaches us how to put that Love in motion.

Once you realize WHO you are in Jesus, your life will never be the same again. The way you think about things will change. The way you see things will change. You will begin to offer grace where you once held judgement. You will begin to let go of things instead of hanging onto what’s killing you. God tells you who you are to Him all throughout the bible. You just have to take the time to read it so He can talk to you through it.

Romans 10:17

So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.

Faith is another word for Trust!

Faith: complete trust or confidence in someone or something. Synonyms; trust, belief, confidence, conviction

These things are every thing the devil is trying to steal from you through intimidation. Fear is his means. Look for them. Recognize them and fight them with scripture and trust, belief, confidence and conviction! Stay true to what you believe and what you know is the Truth. God is with you. He promised to never leave you nor forsake you. If times are hard, ask God what you can learn from it or what He wants you to do out of it. Walk by faith through it. Don’t let fear overcome you and drown out what God has joined together inside you. You to himself through His Holy Spirit!

Uncategorized

Depression “DRY BONES”

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Ezekiel 37:5 The Lord Speaks

This is what the Sovereign Lord says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life.

Have you ever walked through something that shook you to the very core of your belief? Your flight or flight switch turned on and now you feel like it’s hopeless to turn it off. Your bones feel dry and your lungs are heaving for just a breath of peace. Your mind is racing and beating you to death with all the doubts that plague you. Your knees shake and your hands are sweating. Your trying to pray, but you can’t find the words. You can’t seem to get your mind quiet long enough to hear what your heart is saying.

Just Breathe

I know it feels like your alone in this. It’s dark, cold and lonely where you are right now. There doesn’t seem to be any peace, though not for your lack of trying. But let me be an encouragement to you. I’ve been where you are. I’ve sat in the seat of despair. Hopeless to find my way out and see anything good for my future. Broken on every side and bruised in my heart. But with all the hope I could muster (Which wasn’t much) I took another breath and kept going. You want to know what I’ve learned about myself. I am a fighter, a very determined individual. I don’t give up easy. I never knew how much of a fighter lived inside me until God had to bring it out of me.

I am stronger because I refused to let the devil break me. I bent, I swayed but I never broke. Though there many days I thought I might. There many nights I said, I just can’t do it anymore. But, for every breath I took God was holding me in His right hand and He is you to! Being in a broken place in your life feels like your bones are dried up and life seems pointless. you are heaving for just a drink of peace. your not asking for much.

Still my mind and heart Lord, long enough for me to hear you

While facing the hardest trial of my life God gave me the best vision I could have ever ask for but never did. While asleep one night God showed me the world, then He had me look to the right and I was standing in His right hand and He was smiling at me. Isn’t that such a beautiful thing. I know I’m okay with God, but my mind and the devil likes to convince me otherwise. Sometimes, it works.

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Beloved daughter, I know times may seem tough right now. I know it’s very hard where your standing. Going around and around that same ole mountain. Your promised land is just on the other side of that trial. You can do it. God is on your side.

Proverbs 29:18

Where there is no vision, the people perish: but he that keepeth the law, happy is he.

Direction and perspective is your key. Reshaping and renewing the way you think. Be careful what you are thinking about. How you talk to yourself. As you begin to renew your mind, (Daily) with the word your dry and weary bones will begin to be restored.

Romans 10:17

So then faith cometh by hearing and hearing by the word of God

Breathing will become easier, thinking won’t feel so overwhelming and making a decision won’t feel so critical. You will begin to see life has meaning again.

So beloved little daughter, be of good cheer! Your father is looking after you. He’s holding you in His right hand. So slip into faith, put on some peace and watch as the Lord sustains you!

Anxiety ans the Church, Uncategorized

Anxiety and Christianity

There is a huge disapproval of anxiety and depression in the church these days. The stigma around it leaves people even more broken when they walk out the church doors than before they walked through them. They ask themselves questions like “Why do I feel this way if God loves me. Or maybe the pastors right, I just don’t have enough faith.” Telling someone they just don’t have enough faith can have devastating effects on them mentally even though you may mean no harm by it. When you tell someone something like that you are judging their heart and determining what their faith is. But shouldn’t we leave that to God? Shouldn’t we just be His hands and His feet to the people who need Him.

Jesus Said: Luke 19:10

For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost.

If Jesus came to seek that which was lost, shouldn’t that be our main objective. Jesus never walked up and just judged, even though He had every right knowing their hearts. He always asked questions, evaluated the person’s heart and motives behind their intentions. He searched every area of them. Jesus didn’t have to do it this way. He is after all God. But what He did, was gave us a way to follow after Him. He left us with insurmountable information to follow and bring His sheep home.

Who can understand the depths of someones heart or know the motives behind them? Who can understand the stains on my pillow from tears I’ve cried over the anxiety and depression I feel. Begging God, please I just want to be closer to you. I just want to feel your presence. I’m not asking for millions. I’m not asking for anything this world has. I just want you. I can’t breathe without you, I can’t live without you. I need you to be my deliverer. I need you to just wrap your arms around me and shield me with your powerful love. But God, I can’t hear you. Where are you? Did I hurt you? Have I lost your promises forever? What did I do father? Oh God, please don’t leave me, I need you.

See, when God searched my heart, He saw that there was a lot more there than just being faithless. He saw the pain of being left. The pain of never being enough. He saw how much I wanted Him, but scared to death that I would do something to mess it up. He saw that as a child I was molested and how unworthy I feel to call Him mine. He saw that as a baby my father left me, found me unfit to be called his. So in my heart I hold all these fears and anxieties. My fears and my anxieties aren’t always because I don’t trust Him. There because I never feel worthy to be His.

What the church needs to realize is no one WANTS to suffer from depression. But thoughts of  despair, hopelessness, confusion, anger, resentment, hurt and fear are driven by depression and fueled by anxiety. They truly believe what they feel and think. People suffer from different types of anxiety. You have social anxiety, Generalized anxiety disorder, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), agoraphobia and many others. All begin with a thought and end with what you believe to be true.

But what if God strengthens us through our pain. What if God takes all of our heartaches, heart breaks, brokenness and confusion and one by one He begins to lift it from within us as He shows us Who He Really Is.

Many nights I myself have cried out before God over my depression and anxiety. Some days I wake up and I am fine. I feel like I can breathe and take on the day. Other days I feel as though the very life has been sucked right out of me and that God wants nothing to do with me in that present state of mind. Mental illness is a sickness and one not to be taken lightly. As you can see through history many have taken their lives over such and many more will until we do what God has called us to do.

Jesus Said: Mark 2:17

When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

Beloved, if you or someone you may know suffers from any kind of mental illness please seek help immediately. Though it may seem like you have it under control it can spiral very quickly. Life can throw many hurdles your way and its up to us to stand with a sober mind so we can finish the race set before us. God loves you more than you can possible understand. God did not create you to feel this way everyday or to doubt who you are or who He is for that matter. You are cherished, loved, desired, called worthy! You are a diamond that he’s shinning. You are His heart walking around. You are the apple of His eye and you are held in His right hand. You are His daughter/son and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for you!