I’m sitting here tonight thinking about how sweet life used to feel. The beauty of the wind as it blew across my skin. The sun as it feel underneath the earth and the moon raised it’s light high. Life felt weightless and worth it. It felt perfect and warm and it held so much meaning. I remember a time when I looked up with adoration and hope. But lately, life hasn’t felt that way. It’s felt heavy and hard to breath. It’s felt like every move we’ve made has been the wrong one. I have never felt so far from God, than I do right now at this very moment. But the comfort in that statement for me is this, He is still very much with me. I may not feel Him, or be aware of His presence. But, I know that Jesus will never leave me and He will never let me down.
I started this blog about 6 years ago. Originally it was suppose to be a way for me to get my thoughts out. A safe place where no judgement could infiltrate my walls. It was about getting the word of God out and sharing the good news about the Love of Jesus with the world. It was my platform. I wrote a few posts and then life began to happen. I was a single mom with two little boys who very much needed me. I stepped up and became mom and dad to them. Apart from my studying at night after they went to bed my platform was just them and the close family members around me. Other than that I didn’t make much room for God in my life. I never took the time to honor Him. Not with my heart, not with my words, not with my prayers, not with anything. Though I desperately wanted to. I just didn’t know how.
The people I grew up around loved God with all their hearts, but they didn’t know how to serve Him and live in this world. Troubles, worries, doubts and fears had taken it’s toll on them. They forgot what living underneath God felt like. Life had become their struggle. Anger filled and fueled them. They became complacent in their walk with their maker. Even though troubles marched to our doorstep almost every single day. I’m proud to get to be apart of saying that God delivered us from them all. But that didn’t stop fear from crawling in through an open window left from doubt. I named this blog Fearing faith because I learned early on that the people I loved most feared trusting God. Because they allowed fear to rule over them.
Four years ago I wouldn’t have been able to write this post. I couldn’t understand where they stood, unless I myself stood their. I am now standing in a place with God that truly scares me. Fear. Fear has put it’s arms around me and refuses to let go. It has stolen things away from me that I thought I could never get back. Time with my husband. Wonderful moments with my children. Teaching moments to help them grow in their faith. It has stolen years from my life. These are just to mention a few. I am reminded of a verse.
“The thief cometh not but to steal and to kill and to destroy. I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly.”
The devil will always be there to knock you down. He will come and try to steal every gift God has said is yours because Jesus died to give it to you! His blood that was shed on the cross gives you the power to accept every gift and every promise over your life. Love, Peace, Joy, Self Control and these are just to name a few. The devil wants to steal them from you and ultimately kill every dream in your heart so he can destroy you. Your heart is your house and in your house is where all your treasures lay. It’s the very foundation you’ve built your life upon. Being strong in the Lord is the only way to protect yourself. Knowing and having faith in God is your weapon against the devil. You can’t break a strong man. You can’t take them down or break them. But someone who is not prepared or who doesn’t know where they are standing is an easy target.
There was a time I thought I lost that battle. I thought I wouldn’t make it and life would never be like it used to be. I thought God had left me and I was no longer His child. Even though He daily told me I was His and He choose me. He told me I would be in paradise with Him. With my thoughts increasingly overwhelming to the point of contemplating suicide, I held onto hope. I held onto the one tiny little peace of hope I had. God had given me the one desire of my heart that I held onto even though everything pointed to it never coming to fruition. A daughter! He gave me the greatest desire of my heart in a time when I didn’t think I could take another breath. He gave me a daughter from the loins of a man who was told “You will never have children.” Who himself never wanted to have kids. But then woke up one morning and decided, he wanted to have a baby and so, we did! God not only gave me that little girl. But he gave me a son! Another son to love and to hold! Another son to teach to love God with all His heart. To raise to see him seek after God with all that He is! Though life is still a struggle to trying to find my way back to God. I can say that everyday get’s sweeter and sweeter knowing that I will one day wake up and all this fear and apprehension that plagues my mind will be gone.
God is showing me how to come home! I gotta admit though, I’ve wanted Him to just make it go away. I didn’t want to fight anymore. I was exhausted and didn’t think I should have to fight. I already knew He was worth it and that in my mind was all that mattered. But, I now realize there’s character in fighting. There are tons of lessons to be learned through the battle and I couldn’t have ever understood or have compassion for those who have been fighting much longer than I have. I used to be angry that God wasn’t healing me and taking it away. I knew He could and in my mind it felt like He was refusing to help me. I felt rejected by the one person I knew I could always count on. I felt abandoned and left in the cold.
It has been a slow process but it has been worth every step I’ve taken. Every breath I take that brings me closer to Jesus is worth taking, even if it hurts to breath. I lost my way. I came upon a cross roads. There names were Fear, Worry, Doubt and Depression. Each road left me feeling even more lost than I was before. Soon confusion filled my mind and I wasn’t sure who to trust. Who to love. Who to give my heart to. I wasn’t sure where to turn. I wasn’t sure if everything I had been taught or knew before was worth knowing now.
Jesus says in John 14:6
“I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the father except through me.”
Jesus is the way and I lost that. I lost sight of what was important. I lost what was so beautiful. I’m like the prodigal son. The one who gets all of his fathers estate before he passes and goes out into the world and spends all of his money. Just to find himself eating like the pigs. Once he realizes he can at least eat better at his dads because they feed their servants well, he goes home. To his surprise, his father was over the moon happy to see him return. Though, he was afraid his father would turn him away because of the choices he’s made and the lifestyle he’s lived. In this story that’s not the case. His dad ends up throwing him the biggest party he’s ever seen.
That journey the prodigal son walked on his way back home to his fathers house is the road we all must walk when we lose our way. We tote that baggage a long way.
All the ways we’ve been wronged and hurt. All the times someone has said things to us that cut us deep. The losses we’ve suffered. It’s all right there in the luggage of our minds where we store our memories. We lock it up and hold onto it just in case we need to pull it out for future uses. It’s time to tear those strongholds down and stop allowing those things to hinder our walk with God. It’s time to let go of all that pain and just bask in the love God has for us and give Him the praise of His love over us. It’s time to rejoice in the fact that, yes, I may be down but I’m not out thanks to God. His mercy says I can return unto Him and He will take me back in under His wing.
It’s time for us to trust God. Not just in words but in our hearts. Truly trust Him. Really make the decision to say, “That’s it, come what may I believe that this will work out to my good because God says No Weapon Formed Against Me Shall Prosper.”
Let’s make this trek together. Let’s face our fears one day at a time and allow God to walk in and heal us with His love and mercy. Until all that flows out of us is His love and compassion. His will to do what’s right and run far from evil.