Radiant Sun
Depression

The Abyss of Depression

For those who live within the limits of anxiety and depression it can send you into a bottomless pit and when it’s done with you, you beg for death. The walls are built with confusion, anger, resentment, discontented and discouragement. The abyss of depression can feel like nothing, but everything all at once. Your emotions become you in an instance and life can feel to hard to deal with. Your brain is on sensory overload and the pain, the sting of death is knocking at your door. All you have to do, is open it.

Death feels like the answer

Depression can make you feel worthless, numb and exhausted. Each day you wake up to the same story that plays over and over in your mind. Life will never get any better. You’ll never write that book. You’ll never travel to that place you’ve dreamed of. Happiness is just not in your cards. Lady luck, is just not your color. Thoughts of hopelessness send you into a one way thinking pattern. It’s to hard God, I can’t do this anymore. I want outThis isn’t what I signed up for when I gave my heart to you. What happened? Why have you let the sky cave in on me all of a sudden? Why are my prayers being hindered? Why have you left me here to live this way? Silence. The most devastating sound a Christian with anxiety can hear.

Death knocks at the door. “You know there’s a way to get out of this.” You ears perk although your soul shivers because you know that’s not the voice you should be listening to. But, you give way to it. You hear him out. “All can be finished and done. No more pain, no more anguish. No more loneliness. No more wondering.” These thoughts roll around in your head until you start to believe them. It’s the only hope you’ve been able to hold onto in years. The promise of no more. You contemplate how and when. Death presents itself with a beautiful picture. Your finally at rest. No more to worry about or care about. No more agonizing over the bills getting paid. No more hating yourself. No more feeling broken or lost. No more confusion about the purpose of your life. It’s done.

The LIGHT

It’s not easy stepping from the darkness to the light. Especially when your walking out of bondage. Don’t think for one second that the devil isn’t going to fight you for the legal ground you gave him. So, when the day comes and your ready to make that decision to make Jesus Christ your Lord and Savior, just know you’re in for a fight. Jesus is and will always protect you. He will never leave you, nor forsake you! That’s a promise you can take to the Bank of God and cash in at any given moment and the funds will always be available.

Here’s the deal. Walking out of the abyss of depression or anxiety is going to take time. When I was knee-deep in the middle of my anxiety, when my body and mind were feeling it the most I got some amazing words of wisdom from my pastor! He said “You didn’t get there over night and you’re not getting out of it over night”. It took years to get you where you are. You didn’t wake up and stumble onto your anxiety.

What if I told you circumstances didn’t put you there, your perception did? 99% of everything we do is based on what we believe.  This isn’t to say you’re in control of what happens to you, but rather what happens inside you. It’s been a very long and hard road getting here for me and accepting this truth wasn’t easy. I am about as stubborn as it gets when I’ve got my mind made up on something. So taking accountability for accepting the anxiety when I didn’t have to, was not easy. And neither has walking out of it been.

Somehow, someway, something has happened to you and you’ve ended up here. God does not want you stuck here in this place. He does not want to see you restless, anxious and scared. He doesn’t like seeing His daughter/son upset and so broken. He desires for you to come to Him and trust in Him to be everything He promises He is!

  • Your Provider
  • Your leader
  • Your king
  • Your comfort
  • Your caregiver
  • Your reward
  • Your shepherd
  • Your restorer
  • Your hope
  • Your helper
  • YOUR CONFIDENCE

The list of who God is can go on and on! You fill in the blanks of who God has been to you and who He is to you now! Remember back to the times when everything felt good and was good! When it wasn’t hard for you to breathe. Remember the times God blessed you and brought you out of a barren land, whatever that land was. A bad relationship. A broken home. Finances. Strongholds.

Faith is Believing even when the devil has his foot on your throat! Faith is sometimes tears falling down your face and bruised knees. Faith is sometimes pacing the floors at 3am going to war over your strongholds. Faith doesn’t look any certain way other than belief and love!

Perfect LOVE casts out FEAR

Perfect love! What does perfect love look like to you? For me, perfect love means I will always be able to approach Him. The door is never shut and what I’m feeling is never wrong. It means hard times may come but His protection is everlasting and His hugs never run out. Perfect love is trusting in who you love to be everything they promised you they would be. God promises to walk through the flames with you. He promises to take care of you and comfort you. He promises to hold you up when you have no strength left of your own. He promises to always make a way when it looks like there’s not. Perfect loving God just simply means, trusting God!

God bless y’all!

 

 

 

 

 

faith/fear, Uncategorized

Faith/Fear

Psalm 139:13

For thou hast possessed my reins: thou hast covered me in my mothers womb.

WHO AM I?

How many times have you asked yourself this question? How many times have you broke down without any idea of where your going and what your suppose to be doing in life? How long have you struggled with your Identity? Let me tell you, for the last few years my Identity has been the only thing on my mind. Who am I? What did God create me for? What am I suppose to do for the kingdom of God?

Can I just tell you, I suffer from Anxiety. It takes form in different ways to try and take over my life. I can remember a time when I was unable to leave my house. For six months the closest I came to being outside, was in my garage. That was a very sad time in my life. I thought it was going to break me. I was constantly thinking down on myself. Feeling like everyone was looking at me as if I was crazy or weak. I felt weak. I felt lost. I didn’t understand how this happened? I almost settled into this mindset of “Well, I guess this will be my life.” Then one day, I got up, got dressed and decided “Today, I’m conquering this. Today, I’m going to head down a different path.” It wasn’t easy. I had to wake up everyday with the decision that I was going to progress and know that in the end I would win. You could say, I made up my mind! There were days that would come that would make it especially hard for me to make that decision. In the form of a family member who just didn’t understand how I became afraid. They would try to intimidate me, pep talk me, put me down, run me over. They finally gave up. I’m very hard headed. I have to do things my own way at my own time.

I started small. I walked to the door and put my hand on the door knob. Panic filled me. Even though I wasn’t even close to going outside. My heart began to race. My palms got sweaty. My thoughts were racing 100 miles a minute. I sent my brain into overload with the decision I was about to make. I was trying my very best to trust God. As fear was knocking on my door, my heart was crying out for God to take it. I closed my eyes and I submitted that moment to God. I wasn’t able to turn the entire fear over to Him. But I was able to submit that moment of fear to Him. Little by little that mountain began to fall down. It started to crumble beneath my feet. Each moment that I surrendered to God, He took a little more of that fear away. One day I opened the door and just shut it back. I did that quite a few times before I got the nerve to actually step outside. Can I just tell you, when I finally stepped outside it was nothing like I thought it was going to be. Though I was scared, the joy of standing there with the sun wrapped around my face and the cool fall breeze was something off of a beautiful love story. (I so wish I could pick my life background music, “Eye of the Tiger”) While fear was present and trying so very hard to suck me back in, it just wasn’t possible. The feeling of freedom felt to good.

I want you to know that sometimes were just not able to surrender it all to God all at once. For some people, they can and that’s a beautiful thing. But for others, it takes time to be healed. It takes Gods grace and His faithfulness to show us “Hey, I’m not moving. I’m in this for the long haul. I know your scared. I’ve got you. Just start letting go.” Sometimes all you have to do, is surrender that moment to God. That moment is all it takes to move mountains. To split waters. To turn water into wine. To heal the blind and so on. Those small moments we hand over to God in submission He makes sure He makes good use of that time with Him. In those moments God is filling your heart with more treasure than you can ever imagine. Those are the moments where you finally understand “Peace that surpasses all understanding.”

Fear has a way of taking who we are and shaping it into who it wants us to be. Fear is a dictator. Fear is relentless. Fear is torment. Fear is a lot of things. But fear, is not you.

God did not create you to fear.

WHO GOD SAYS YOU ARE TO HIM!

  • You are justified through Grace, (Romans 3:24)
  • You are loved (John 3:16)
  • You are united with God through the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:17)
  • You are a new creature in Christ (2 Corinthians 5:17)
  • You are the work of His hands (Ephesians 2:10)
  • You are 100% forgiven (1 John 1:9)
  • You are spiritually alive (Ephesians 2:5)
  • You are a citizen of Heaven (Philippians 3:20)

And the list goes on and on! You are many things to God. You are chosen and loved. You are His heart walking around here on earth. Let God show you who you are through His spirit inside you! I know through life, circumstances have shaped the way you think and feel about God, about fear, about “the cards you’ve been dealt”. I know fear has a way of making you really believe what it’s saying. It’s deceitful like that. It can steal your joy, your peace, your love, your desires and your passions. It can make your dreams feel like a thing of the past while it steals every part of your present.

But the Joy of the Lord is your strength. Though everything may come crumbling down on you, keep looking up. Never look away or get distracted. Those are just hurdles that you were never meant to jump without the Power of God inside you pushing you forward.

The hardest part about facing fear, is getting still. When you are naturally a melancholic person you tend to naturally think downward thoughts. Your genetically, fearfully and wonderfully made this way. But, there is beauty in those melancholic moments. When God leans down from on High and lifts you out, words can’t describe it. Getting still, getting quite and just listening and waiting patiently for God to just be there, is hard. You are flooded with emotions and feelings that you can’t pin down and turn them away. Your trying to lead those thoughts into captivity, but every time you do another one comes along that seems to justify the first thought. The devil is great at making you confused. It’s his middle name. He’s out for one thing. Revenge. Don’t take it personally. He’s not after you. He’s after whose inside you. He’s angry that God kicked him out of Heaven. He’s doing everything he can to sabotage your relationship with God. Don’t let him.

Don’t let him take another thing from you. Don’t let him steal another second of your life and your walk with Jesus. Start regaining your ground. God gave you the power. God gave you a sound mind and God gave you Love. We all know what Love can do, Right! Love covers a multitude of sins. Love opens doors and restores relationships. Love brings closure and forgiveness. Love changes people. Love is one of the greatest gifts the Holy Spirit has ever given us. We Love, because He first Loved us. So He teaches us how to put that Love in motion.

Once you realize WHO you are in Jesus, your life will never be the same again. The way you think about things will change. The way you see things will change. You will begin to offer grace where you once held judgement. You will begin to let go of things instead of hanging onto what’s killing you. God tells you who you are to Him all throughout the bible. You just have to take the time to read it so He can talk to you through it.

Romans 10:17

So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.

Faith is another word for Trust!

Faith: complete trust or confidence in someone or something. Synonyms; trust, belief, confidence, conviction

These things are every thing the devil is trying to steal from you through intimidation. Fear is his means. Look for them. Recognize them and fight them with scripture and trust, belief, confidence and conviction! Stay true to what you believe and what you know is the Truth. God is with you. He promised to never leave you nor forsake you. If times are hard, ask God what you can learn from it or what He wants you to do out of it. Walk by faith through it. Don’t let fear overcome you and drown out what God has joined together inside you. You to himself through His Holy Spirit!

Anxiety ans the Church, Uncategorized

Anxiety and Christianity

There is a huge disapproval of anxiety and depression in the church these days. The stigma around it leaves people even more broken when they walk out the church doors than before they walked through them. They ask themselves questions like “Why do I feel this way if God loves me. Or maybe the pastors right, I just don’t have enough faith.” Telling someone they just don’t have enough faith can have devastating effects on them mentally even though you may mean no harm by it. When you tell someone something like that you are judging their heart and determining what their faith is. But shouldn’t we leave that to God? Shouldn’t we just be His hands and His feet to the people who need Him.

Jesus Said: Luke 19:10

For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost.

If Jesus came to seek that which was lost, shouldn’t that be our main objective. Jesus never walked up and just judged, even though He had every right knowing their hearts. He always asked questions, evaluated the person’s heart and motives behind their intentions. He searched every area of them. Jesus didn’t have to do it this way. He is after all God. But what He did, was gave us a way to follow after Him. He left us with insurmountable information to follow and bring His sheep home.

Who can understand the depths of someones heart or know the motives behind them? Who can understand the stains on my pillow from tears I’ve cried over the anxiety and depression I feel. Begging God, please I just want to be closer to you. I just want to feel your presence. I’m not asking for millions. I’m not asking for anything this world has. I just want you. I can’t breathe without you, I can’t live without you. I need you to be my deliverer. I need you to just wrap your arms around me and shield me with your powerful love. But God, I can’t hear you. Where are you? Did I hurt you? Have I lost your promises forever? What did I do father? Oh God, please don’t leave me, I need you.

See, when God searched my heart, He saw that there was a lot more there than just being faithless. He saw the pain of being left. The pain of never being enough. He saw how much I wanted Him, but scared to death that I would do something to mess it up. He saw that as a child I was molested and how unworthy I feel to call Him mine. He saw that as a baby my father left me, found me unfit to be called his. So in my heart I hold all these fears and anxieties. My fears and my anxieties aren’t always because I don’t trust Him. There because I never feel worthy to be His.

What the church needs to realize is no one WANTS to suffer from depression. But thoughts of  despair, hopelessness, confusion, anger, resentment, hurt and fear are driven by depression and fueled by anxiety. They truly believe what they feel and think. People suffer from different types of anxiety. You have social anxiety, Generalized anxiety disorder, OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), agoraphobia and many others. All begin with a thought and end with what you believe to be true.

But what if God strengthens us through our pain. What if God takes all of our heartaches, heart breaks, brokenness and confusion and one by one He begins to lift it from within us as He shows us Who He Really Is.

Many nights I myself have cried out before God over my depression and anxiety. Some days I wake up and I am fine. I feel like I can breathe and take on the day. Other days I feel as though the very life has been sucked right out of me and that God wants nothing to do with me in that present state of mind. Mental illness is a sickness and one not to be taken lightly. As you can see through history many have taken their lives over such and many more will until we do what God has called us to do.

Jesus Said: Mark 2:17

When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.

Beloved, if you or someone you may know suffers from any kind of mental illness please seek help immediately. Though it may seem like you have it under control it can spiral very quickly. Life can throw many hurdles your way and its up to us to stand with a sober mind so we can finish the race set before us. God loves you more than you can possible understand. God did not create you to feel this way everyday or to doubt who you are or who He is for that matter. You are cherished, loved, desired, called worthy! You are a diamond that he’s shinning. You are His heart walking around. You are the apple of His eye and you are held in His right hand. You are His daughter/son and there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for you!

strength, The webs we weave

Strength

Love has never looked more beautiful than the day your eyes open and you finally see yourself the way Jesus does! Clothed in strength, dignity and honor! You are the daughter of a righteous and loving King, who asks only this. I died for you, will you live for me?

Life has become full of running here and running there. Get this done, get that done! Make dinner, schedule appointments, talk to teachers, finish reports. It’s all about work, kids, bills, school and doctors appointments.

But where does God fit in. Does it happen while laying in bed at night? Do you slip in that last little prayer of God protect me and fall asleep praying. If that’s the case there’s no better way to fall asleep! But there’s just something about getting in the position of prayer, lifting your hands to God and feeling His presence! That’s how your strength gets renewed!

It’s time we stop putting God last and second guessing what He does for us. It’s time to stop asking if God is righteous and faithful! It’s time to start looking at ourselves and holding what we find up against His word. I bet when we do that we finally see whose right and whose wrong.

Strength comes in knowing Jesus. It comes when you finally let go of all those moments of intense fear or doubt or worry over things you have NO CONTROL over. Strength comes when you put your faith in God and allow Him to show you who He is! Then and only then, will your strength be renewed.

Hope in God and he will replace those cares with peace!