This piece is probably one of the most important pieces I have ever written for both private purposes and public. It’s very dear to my heart and it is the awakening I’ve needed for three very long years. I hope as you read, you will find something in here that helps you get through your mess and know that Jesus is always on your side.
November 9, 2013! A date I won’t soon forget! It’s the day Shannon and I said “I Do.” Just myself, him and our Pastor in a little room. We looked at each other and vowed to love each other no matter what storms come our way. Through all the good times we were sure to have and all the storms we never thought would come. We vowed to love through things we had never been through. Through things that had never crossed our paths. How could we have vowed to love one another through these trials when we had no clue what was coming?
The Answer is simple, you have to first know what love is before you can ever commit to it. Love isn’t just butterflies in the pit of your stomach. It’s not all roses and sunshine. Love isn’t waking in the morning and dancing across the room with each other as you get ready to take on the day.
Love is Messy.
Pure and simple. When you get right down to it, love is hard. It’s not easy to choose to love someone when you don’t even like them very much at that moment.
Over the last three years my husband and I have endured things no newly weds should ever have to endure. We’ve fought legal proceedings, oppression, depression, foreclosures, repo’s, late bills, no money for the bills. Job loss after job loss. We’ve had to sell stuff off just to keep the lights on and we’ve had to borrow money from family to make ends meet. But even then the ends didn’t meet. We were spiraling. Our lives felt completely out of control. We tried to turn every where to get some kind of mental grasp on all these things that were happening. But the more we tried to understand the worse it got. Because nothing made sense.
We held onto each other for dear life as we faced this road together. We’ve weathered the hardest storm I think either of us will ever see again. But there were many moments in the last three years that we both felt very hopeless. As if the very life had been sucked right out of us. We had no desire to do anything because we felt like we had nothing. Our Confidence had been taken. Our confidence in our ability to help each other, to love each other the right way. Many nights I would lay in bed and cry to my husband telling him I wished things were different and I just didn’t understand. I was heartbroken and I was losing my confidence in Jesus. Slowly life just didn’t make sense anymore. The very foundation I had built my life on was slipping away and I felt helpless to stop it.
It was like a downward spiral I couldn’t find my way back from. I would call and have my uncles and cousins pray with me. I would lay awake at night going over and over in my head all the bad thoughts that had crossed over my mind. I would lay awake at night trying to figure out how to fix myself and how to not be so afraid. Years went by. Stress took its toll on me. I began to lose weight rapidly. At one point in time you could count my ribs. I lost so much hair. Everywhere you looked gobs of my hair would be there. My bones were beginning to ache and I had tension headaches and this is coming from someone whose had one headache her whole life.
I was so busy looking at all the bad things going on around me and trying to fix myself that I actually forgot how to just be in love with Jesus. I forgot how to trust Him and just lean on Him. I forgot how to just be with Him.
What you give way to, you give life to.
It was a few weeks ago when I got a revelation. CONFIDENCE. I had lost all confidence in God which in turn caused me to lose confidence in everything. The very foundation beneath my feet had crumbled and I had fallen. So, I researched the word Confidence trying to figure out what God was telling me. The more and more I researched this word the more and more God was showing me that I needed to just relax again. Come home. Talk to Him. Not just in fear and anxiety, but in peace and love.
Listen, we have a real enemy and he’s out to destroy you. Slowly he creeps up on you throwing this and that your way. He uses fear to encapsulate you and then he begins by sowing a seed of doubt in your mind. He fuels your anger with thoughts of lies. You don’t realize it, but by now, your leaning on your own understanding. Your asking God questions and demanding answers. You’ve put God on trial in your life and the devil is sitting back laughing about it. Because not only are you being destroyed a little bit at a time. He’s watching as you unravel your relationship with Jesus.
Life will always throw things your way. Big or small. You have to just come to that realization. Sometimes things will come as a way to push you forward. Sometimes will come because of our own choices. Sometimes we are tested and tried. But one thing you always need to remember, EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN HAPPENS FOR A REASON. Nothing gets passed, through or around God without His knowledge or permission. So instead of letting fear or worry grip you, lean into your problem and ask God what He wants you to learn from it. Dig in and read your bible and let the Holy Spirit show you.
And above all else, put your hope in God alone because you can’t make it through this life on your own strength or by your own will. You need security. You need protection. You need a driving force. God is everything you want Him to be and more. You just have to want Him to show you. It’s time to stand up and make the choice. I’m going to start serving God and not myself. I’m going to make the hard decisions to do the right thing even when I don’t want to do the right thing. I’m going to let the Holy Spirit help me and when He tires I will listen to Him and not grieve Him. Life was never meant to be hard. Yes we are told trials would come our way. But we were also told if we kept our hope in Him he would be faithful to keep us in perfect peace!
So yes, Love is messy. But God loves all of our messes and He wants to come in and clean up that mess of a heart and mind you’ve got going on. Give Him your problems today and watch Him heal all the broken places of your life.
Have a blessed day! Love you all!